If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Iowa. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it's the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Iowa. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Iowa. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Iowa. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Iowa. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Iowa. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Iowa. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Iowa. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Iowa. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN: 1. "Vacation" means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 14. Down South to you means Missouri. 15 A brat is something you eat. 16. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 17. You go out to a tail gate party every Friday. 18. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 19. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 20. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Iowa friends.