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Wives should be thankful.....

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Lance Boils, Jul 11, 2002.

  1. Lance Boils

    Lance Boils

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    Gentlemen: This is a warning. Do not stop hunting and/or fishing.

    A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

    The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

    "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

    "You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman.

    "No way, I don't fish," answers the bum.

    "You wouldn't waste the money on a bird lease, would you?" asks the man.

    "Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt."

    The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly.

    While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

    "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt."
     
  2. Lance Boils

    Lance Boils

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    When it comes to physical exercise, I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much. So I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise:

    1) Beating around the bush
    2) Jumping to conclusions
    3) Climbing the walls
    4) Swallowing my pride
    5) Passing the buck
    6) Throwing my weight around
    7) Dragging my heels
    8) Pushing my luck
    9) Making mountains out of molehills
    10) Hitting the nail on the head
    11) Wading through paperwork
    12) Bending over backwards
    13) Jumping on the bandwagon
    14) Balancing the books
    15) Running around in circles
    16) Eating crow
    17) Tooting my own horn
    18) Climbing the ladder of success
    19) Pulling out the stops
    20) Adding fuel to the fire
    21) Opening a can of worms
    22) Putting my foot in my mouth

    Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise caution now, and sit down.
     

  3. Lance Boils

    Lance Boils

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    My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway the other day just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her when she said,

    "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

    I said "Great, tell me what your so happy about."

    She stopped jumping and was breathing heavy, from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant. I was so ecstatic, we had been trying for a while so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and telling her that was great! I couldn't be happier,

    then she said, "Oh, honey, there's more."

    I asked "What do you mean more?" She said, "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

    Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well that was the easy part! I went to Wal-Mart and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive
     
  4. YosemiteSam357

    YosemiteSam357 Revolver Zen

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    Oh, no. These are actually funny. Therefore they have no place in this forum. :)

    Please be sure to start an "n word" thread or something to make up for your transgression. ;m

    (All in jest. Thanks for posting something I hadn't seen before.)

    -- Sam