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What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Aug 2, 2003.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    Messages:
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    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Location:
    Muskogee Ok.
    KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac.
    When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

    I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
    ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people
    what to do.

    I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used
    Microsoft Office.

    I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

    MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about
    all the McJobs I've had.

    I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

    I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai
    Chi in the lunch room.

    I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell
    them badly.

    I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-
    workers.

    I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

    I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

    MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably
    looking for someone more experienced.

    I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

    I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

    I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm
    outta there.

    I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

    I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual
    harassment.

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

    I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my
    breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest
    and wishing me luck in my future career.
     
  2. trcubed

    trcubed Senior Member

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    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2001
    Location:
    Kuhnigitdale, NC
    "Since my last report, this associate has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

    "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

    "We should not allow this associate to breed."

    "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

    "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

    "When this associate opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

    "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

    "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

    "This associate should go far - and the sooner the better."

    "This associate is depriving a village somewhere of a perfectly good idiot."
     

  3. thisaway

    thisaway

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    Joined:
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    Location:
    Soddy Daisy, Tenn.
    "This employee is so dense that light bends around him."
     
  4. teamplayer

    teamplayer

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    Joined:
    May 30, 2001
    Location:
    IN
    Another resume cliche: my user name! Especially when preceded by "dynamic" or "proactive". The more it appears in job descriptions written by HR twits, the more it is used in resumes.

    A "team player" may be a gutless yes-man. Or it could be a politically correct cynical self-aggrandizing backstabber.