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what is the most horrible ,awful, terrible ,mindnumbing pun you've heard/read ?

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by sigsrbest, Jun 2, 2003.

  1. sigsrbest

    sigsrbest "Clique"member

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    was looking at my response on another thred (really bad pun ) and figured i should ask ...after all, it is monday...
     
  2. cor-man

    cor-man

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    it's that gross-*** one that goes, "there once was a man from Nantucket..."


    ..oh wait...that's not a pun, it's a limerick.


    sorry.








    ;a
     

  3. pizzaaguy

    pizzaaguy

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    Ten Perfectly Awful Puns...

    Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

    And finally there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

    ;f
     
  4. BriBunn

    BriBunn Lock Talk

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    Lock it for the children!
  5. Santa CruZin

    Santa CruZin RIP Mr. Mayor

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    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?"
     
  6. dave1

    dave1 deep cover

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    reality, more or less

    Keepers.

    Thank you.
     
  7. Goaltender66

    Goaltender66 NRA GoldenEagle

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    I went into a pet store and asked to look at a parrot. The guy behind the counter asked if I wanted to look at a cockatoo. I said "No thanks, just the bird."

    Goalie
     
  8. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been
    friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles
    whenever they passed each other.
    A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What did they do that for?"
    The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never
    heard of...an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
     
  9. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    There were three pregnant women in the Indian village birthing tent. Two of the women were laying on horse hides, and the third on a hippopotamus skin. The two women on the horse hides each had a single child, while the one on the hippopotamus had twins. What does this prove?
    That the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the two hides.
     
  10. Jack T.

    Jack T.

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    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
     
  11. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    Most people know Thomas Edison as a great inventor. He was also a generous philanthropist, donating his time and talents to the American Indian. He lived with the Indians on the reservation for a period of time, trying to get a better feeling of how to improve their living conditions.
    As there was no running water, he had to go to the outdoor toilet to relieve himself. He was a man who liked to read there, as to not waste any opportunity to educate himself further. But there was no electricity in the out-buildings, so he ran a cable out there and hooked up a light.
    So, you might say that Thomas Edison is the first man to wire a head for a reservation.


    ;g
     
  12. Bannack

    Bannack

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    These puns are making me nucking futs ;P
     
  13. bigjim

    bigjim

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    taking a girl's virginity is cock robbin'
     
  14. bigjim

    bigjim

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    Thank you, thank you, be here all week folks.

    Try the veal.



    ;i
     
  15. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.


    OMG, these are getting worse all the time!
     
  16. sigsrbest

    sigsrbest "Clique"member

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    WTH? no posts for 2 hours ? come on people you can do better than this...S
     
  17. Steve Koski

    Steve Koski Got Insurance? Millennium Member

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    Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide.













































    Because it's too cold out tide.
     
  18. pizzaaguy

    pizzaaguy

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    There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance.
    As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!"
    "Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!"
    "You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!"
    Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
    His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
    "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"
    And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..."

    "...its a ham bush!"
     
  19. pizzaaguy

    pizzaaguy

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    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
    He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
    "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
    No one answered.
    "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
    He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
    The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
     
  20. pizzaaguy

    pizzaaguy

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    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."