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USMC jokes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by David_G17, Jul 25, 2003.

  1. David_G17

    David_G17 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

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    Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with
    the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

    The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

    Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

    The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

    The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

    The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

    The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."

    The passenger says, "Huh?"

    The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"


    -----------------next joke-----------------

    Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

    Just before take-off, A Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. He kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

    "No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Marine's boot and spit in it.

    When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

    Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it.

    The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.

    As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.

    "How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"
     
  2. David_G17

    David_G17 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

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  3. whiskerz

    whiskerz

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    why do they have Marines on ships ???;f ;f

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    .Because sheep are too obvious !;f ;f ;f
     
  4. vafish

    vafish

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    How does a Marine say helicopter?

    (Look up, point into the sky) "DUhh whup whup whup!"
     
  5. Volponi

    Volponi wiseguy

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    What do marines and bannanas have in common?
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    They both start out green, then turn yellow, and die in bunches on the beach!
     
  6. gunsite

    gunsite CLM

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    eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........:( ;t
     
  7. Cowgunner

    Cowgunner

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    My
    A**
    Rides
    In
    Navel
    Equipment


    Uncle
    Sam's
    Misguided
    Children
     
  8. Cowgunner

    Cowgunner

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    found some more


    WHICH BRANCH OF THE MILITARY IS BEST?

    A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which service was "the best". The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by the truck and killed instantly. Soon the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven." Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter says to the four Servicemen, "Your answer from the Boss. Let's see what He says." Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four Servicemen:

    MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE

    TO: Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

    SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST

    Gentlemen, all branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being a serviceman in the United States Military represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.

    Sincerely,

    GOD, USMC(Ret.)



    ****: Through the eyes of the Military

    *An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is ****!"

    *An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

    *A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great ****."

    *A Marine Scout/Sniper, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then stalking 30 miles through the brush to an FFP, says, "I love this ****."

    *The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"
     
  9. gunsite

    gunsite CLM

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  10. glockjunkie

    glockjunkie AASU GUN RUNNER

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    hopefully I don't butcher this too bad...

    An Army Ranger, A Navy SEAL, and a Force Recon Marine are about to take their final test. They are brougt to a secluded building where one by one they are informed of their final mission to become part of their designated elite group. The Ranger is pulled into a seperate room where he hears, "You have to be able kill anyone without hesitation. Your wife is in the other room. Here is a pistol with a single bullet in the chamber. Now go kill her. Remember, don't hesitate." The Ranger goes into the room where his wife sits. Several minutes pass and then the Ranger comes out and says, "I don't guess I am cut out for this, I can't kill my wife, I love her too much." Next, the SEAL was pulled aside and told the same thing as the Ranger. The SEAL walked into the room where his wife was with the pistol in his hand. A few minutes later, the SEAL walks and says, "I can't kill my wife, I love her to much." Finally, the Marine is called. He is informed that he must kill his wife to pass the final test. He gets the pistol and walks in to the room where his wife sits. As soon as the door closes behind him the Instructors hear a single gun shot followed by all kinds of BANGING and SCREAMING. A few minutes later, the noises stop. The Marine walked out and One of the Instructors asked, "What the hell happened in the there?" The Marine replied, "There was a blank in that gun you gave my so I had to beat her to death with the chair."