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Upstate NY Tourist Guide

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Skyhook, Jan 4, 2004.

  1. Skyhook

    Skyhook

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    The Upstate New York Department Of Tourism


    Upstate New York seems to be on everyone's vacation wish list. This list of rules will be handed to each person entering the state. (Note: Vehicles from New Jersey, New York City, Massachusetts and Connecticut will receive two copies.)


    1. The slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

    2. It's called a "dirt road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your
    BMW. Now drive or get out of the way.


    3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw the movie Bambi. We got over it.

    4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked.....by our women.

    5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

    6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will
    shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time!

    7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

    8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass
    with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

    9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be
    brown, wet, and served over ice.

    10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.

    11. Let's get this straight. We have three stoplights in town. We stop when it's red, and we may even stop when it's yellow.

    12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

    13. Yeah, we eat Pigs, Cows, Fowl, and Fish too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

    14. They are pigs and they are cows. That's what they smell like. Get used to it. Don't like it? I-87 goes two ways.... get on the Southbound Lane!

    15. "Opening day" refers to the first days of fishin' and deer season'. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church, and we all carry guns.

    16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

    17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

    18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains.

    Welcome to Up State New York
     
  2. rlfjr

    rlfjr NRA Life Member

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    Great post, Sky. I live in northwestern (as in rural) Connecticut, in a town that Manhattanites think they own on weekends. In the spring they get P-O'd when they have to drive their Bimmers over a little cow manure that ends up on the roads because our farmers are fertilizing their fields so the Bimmer drivers' trophy wives can buy fresh produce at our farm stands. Also, they park anyplace they want, especially on Saturday mornings, to sip a latte and discuss their favorite Hollywood celebritiy's denunciation of George Bush.

    Keep 'em coming (the jokes, not the New Yorkers.)
     

  3. Skyhook

    Skyhook

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    Thanks, rlfjr, those people are a real problem and do pose an actual hazard to our way of life. Although I do not farm it, I have 60 acres of decent farmland upon which one of my neighbors does the ground work and we have had our run-ins with these self-rightous, self-absorbed jerks. One such event involved a farmer trying to herd his cattle a short distance on a one-lane road that a Mercedes driver was sure HE owned.. idiot.
    To protect our farmers from those folks- who usually are or know a successful lawyer and a couple of judges- we have passed 'Right-to-Farm' laws that keeps those bimmer drivers from raising 'H' with the guys doing the work.
     
  4. who me?

    who me?

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    I live in the heart of an Amish colony that draws tourists from Chicago. We wear T-shirts that say, "It's tourist season? Great! What's my limit?"