"Two New Navy Ships"

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Glockdude1, Sep 2, 2007.

  1. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    May 24, 2000
    "Two New Navy Ships"


    When the Bridge pipes "Man the Rail" there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.


    Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
    1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
    2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
    3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

    1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
    2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
    3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
    4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
    5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
    6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

    1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
    2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
    3. 18,150 meals served daily
    4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2000 homes
    5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
    6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
    7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
    8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations
    (Sailor's salaries included).

    US Navy welcomes the USS Bill Clinton

    Sunday July 2 nd 2006 Vancouver, BC, Headed for Seattle, WA.
    The US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.

    The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC.

    The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts" and his conduct while president. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F-14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F-18 Hornet aircraft which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck form a very menacing presence.

    As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs!

    An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

    The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense, but instead in times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops.