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Twas the Day Before Christmas

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by firemedic5595, Dec 22, 2002.

  1. firemedic5595


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    Jan 31, 2002
    Duluth Area
    Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding,
    as I sat at the workbench, quite busy reloading.
    The empties from autumn were polished so clear
    for primers and powder, and bullets from Speer
    And Hornady's soft-points, and Nosler's Partitions
    All sat in their boxes, right next to the press
    With dies from Pacific, and RCBS
    When all of a sudden there came such a jolt,
    I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt.
    As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf
    I scrambled for cover, just to protect myself
    From up on the rooftop, came hoof beats and snorting
    Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting!
    I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto
    With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto
    were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno?
    Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano?
    My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing,
    "It's Santa, you moron, lemme in there, I'm freezing!"
    I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide,
    To find St. Nick a’ shivering, Rudolph by his side
    He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval
    "You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal."
    "But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you
    Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you"
    Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow
    My .357, 'till day after tomorrow
    "It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration.
    "I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association"
    He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating
    "I've had this since me and the missus were dating!"
    "And you see, John ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous
    "Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us
    "So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin'
    "I want to assure you, I'm legally packin'
    "And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot
    "I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot!
    "Now, Rudy and I must be on our way"
    He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh
    With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket
    He jingled the sleigh bells and was off like a rocket
    With a pair of speed loaders, and ammo to spare
    I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear
    As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling
    "From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling
    "To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta
    "I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"
    'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
    He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned
    His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all guessin'
    If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson
    Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting,
    Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting!
    Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way,
    'Cause some not-too-bright dirt bags tried to hijack his sleigh
    When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action
    And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction
    He had rag dolls, and cap guns, baseballs and bats.
    New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.
    Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters
    So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters
    But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet
    Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.
    The night was still young, when these dimwits appeared
    Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard.
    They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path
    He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath
    One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid,
    But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!"
    When he leveled my six-gun at this crazy-eyed fellow
    The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow
    "It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle
    As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle
    "Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer
    "Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"
    After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed
    So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded
    And when he was finished, Santa issued this order:
    "Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"
    So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one
    And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one
    With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan
    "Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"
    And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber?
    A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber?
    Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger?
    A wheel gun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?
    "I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather,
    "But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather.
    "And now, I must leave you, until late next December
    "But John, I assure you, I will always remember
    "You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you
    "So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you
    "In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it
    "If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"