Source Top 9 Reasons Why Valentine's Day Is Total Crap, Some of Which May or May Not Have to Do With My Personal Experiences With Women (in random order) 9. If you don't have a girlfriend/etc the entire world makes sure you know how much of a loser you are for not having one. 8. If you DO have a girlfriend, if you don't spend a ridiculous amount of money on her, you will no longer have a girlfriend, and the entire world will make sure you know how much of a loser you are for not having one. 7. Things which may otherwise seem like a great idea, such as the Great Valentine's Day Non-Date of 2003, turn out to be truly terrible ideas, probably because you went to see Daredevil (which totally blows), and the girl you went to see it with later stands you up when you finally ask her on a real date. 6. Unless you have the wisdom to go out to eat the day before instead, welcome to the longest wait to eat since the 9 months you were in the womb. 5. Science* has shown that people who celebrate Valentine's day are more likely to die horrible agonizing deaths, often while poor and alone. 4. Usually, even if you do send a girl something for Valentine's day, she'll wait until you get really really interested in her, then abruptly quit talking to you because she met some no talent ***-clown from Sacramento. 3. Historians** have recently learned that in the Garden of Eden, Eve tricked Adam into eating the apple on purpose, because he didn't buy her diamonds, thus condemning the rest of us to a lifetime of pain and suffering, proving once again the old saying: no matter how good your intentions, there's always a woman waiting to stab you in the back. 2. The true story of Valentine's day goes back to when St. Valentine's wife decided she needed yet another day for her husband to buy her something impractical like a diamond instead of spending that money on something useful for himself, like another gun. 1. Pretty sure you're gonna get dumped anyways. *By "Science" it is clearly meant "this is what I would like to happen" **The historian in question is Billy McDrinkerson, who told me the story down at the pub.