Tools

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Nov 19, 2005.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Joined:
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    Location:
    Muskogee Ok.
    Tools defined
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    >1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    >flat
    >
    >metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    >
    >flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
    >
    >painted part you were drying.
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    >2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    >under
    >
    >the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
    >and
    >
    >hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say
    >"SH**!!!"
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    >3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    >holes
    >
    >until you die of old age.
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    >4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
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    >5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    >
    >principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    >motion,
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    >and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    >
    >future becomes.
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    >
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    >6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
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    >available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
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    >palm of your hand.
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    >7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
    >flammable
    >
    >objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    >a
    >
    >wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
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    >8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
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    >motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
    >
    >socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
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    >
    >
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    >9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    >after
    >
    >you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
    >firmly
    >
    >under the bumper.
    >
    >
    >
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    >10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
    >automobile
    >
    >upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
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    >11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas
    >fir.
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    >12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
    >
    >hydraulic floor jack.
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    >13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
    >
    >spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your
    >boots.
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    >
    >
    >
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    >14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
    >and
    >
    >is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
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    >
    >
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    >15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
    >
    >strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
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    >16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
    >
    >that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
    >
    >without the handle.
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    >17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
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    >
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    >18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
    >called a
    >
    >drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
    >which
    >
    >is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
    >
    >
    >
    >benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
    >about
    >
    >the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during say, the
    >
    >first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
    >its
    >
    >name is somewhat misleading.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
    >
    >paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used,
    >as
    >
    >the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    >20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
    >coal-burning
    >
    >power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
    >
    >travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
    >last
    >
    >tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    >21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    >
    >bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
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    >22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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    >23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
    >now-a-days is
    >
    >used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
    >the
    >
    >object we are trying to hit.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
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    >cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
    >on
    >
    >boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic
    >parts.
     
  2. 8-Ball

    8-Ball Old Soul

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    ;z ;z ;z ^6 `l `l `l

    So true!
     

  3. jim2037

    jim2037

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    dangit! Get that hidden camera out of my shop!

    Jim
     
  4. Hemmingway

    Hemmingway DUUUUUUDE!!

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    Right behind you
    HAHA!! I am guilty of 80% of those. SO true.