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Tools explained

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by Spankywombat, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. Spankywombat

    Spankywombat

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    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    Son of a ***** TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

     
  2. 8-Ball

    8-Ball Old Soul

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  3. Gallium

    Gallium CLM

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    I only read "drill press", and I am laughing uncontrollably....

    oh heck this is funny. Gotta save this.

    'Drew
     
  4. Gallium

    Gallium CLM

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    Ok. I got up to pliers. The kids think I'm losing my mind. :)


    Drew
     
  5. BMPregler

    BMPregler

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    POST OF THE DAY! Thanks for a great laugh.
     
  6. 69stingray

    69stingray 427 ci

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  7. Spankywombat

    Spankywombat

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    Yep, I saw this, laughed...........realized how frighteningly thruthful it was......... did a bit of editing..........laughed uncontrollably a little more........and figured I'd have to share. The only thing is, as I think of more tools to add.......it brings back memories, and makes me shiver.
     
  8. maynardwix

    maynardwix Notre Dame Fan!

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    That was great, and soooooo true.
     
  9. Davegrave

    Davegrave Dapper Dan

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  10. buckhunter3987

    buckhunter3987

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl:

    I needed that laugh, thanks!!
     
  11. MaximaDrvr

    MaximaDrvr

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    Until recently, I taught a wood and metal shop.
    I just sent this to my former boss, and the guy that took my place.
     
  12. Powder

    Powder

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    I found this one out about a year ago.........
     
  13. CitizenOfDreams

    CitizenOfDreams

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    So somebody has FINALLY read the instruction manuals for his tools and posted them here for the rest of us? :upeyes:
     
  14. Peace Warrior

    Peace Warrior Am Yisrael Chai CLM

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    good stuff.



    :bump: for the night shift
     
  15. ShamGlock

    ShamGlock

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  16. skorper

    skorper harborrat

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  17. Atomic Punk

    Atomic Punk

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  18. THEPOPE

    THEPOPE Nibb

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    I've used all these tools, and better descriptions would be impossible to obtain.

    Thanks.

    I am OuT ....:cool:
     
  19. geofri

    geofri Poikilotherm™ Lifetime Member

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    Loved the hacksaw one!
     
  20. JimBianchi

    JimBianchi Da Da CLM

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    My last blood blister just healed!!!!!

    Pliers make poor hammers.