tips from martha with ps from Ollie

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by lethal tupperwa, Jan 19, 2003.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

    Likes Received:
    Aug 20, 2002
    The following is very good advice from Martha to the following

    people...Rednecks and People from that place called Texas.


    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

    3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

    5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still

    considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


    1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour

    slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your

    fingers covering the label.


    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a


    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the matter how good his

    manners are.


    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be

    done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

    However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend

    to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (Outside the Family):

    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to

    go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years


    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will

    say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it

    is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately

    after the movie has ended.

    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven

    they can't hear you.


    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund

    and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

    4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special



    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is

    loaded, and the deer is in sight.

    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires

    always has the right of way.

    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite

    to ask her to bring back beer.

    5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    (Ollie's note on this: Some years back I went to the funeral of a guy I
    hunted with for years. He owned a Home Improvement Company and other than
    driving a station wagon with "CONV" tags, the only thing he ever drove was
    one of several pick-up trucks he had. At the time, the only
    reliable vehicle I had was a pick-up truck which I drove to Shenandoah and
    to the funeral parlor where the service was held. When the service was over
    - on the way out to form the procession to go to the cemetery, the funeral
    director sought me out and asked me if I would like to ride with one of the
    other pall-bearers and that would bring me back for my truck. I TOOK IT TO
    MEAN HE DIDN'T WANT NO PICK-UP in his funeral procession. Later - at the
    house - I mentioned it to the widow and she was somewhat appalled. She said
    "Bernard would have considered it an honor for me to drive my pick-up in his
    funeral procession."
  2. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

    Likes Received:
    Aug 20, 2002
    I drove my pick-up at my dads funeral.

  3. larry_minn

    larry_minn Silver Member Millennium Member

    Likes Received:
    Dec 16, 1999
    At my dad's funeral the Pallbearers all wore yellow chore gloves. He was a farmer. As well as working a full time government job.