This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should have been Southern Belles,

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by lethal tupperwa, Feb 14, 2003.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    Aug 20, 2002
    Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
    of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or
    "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the
    head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway.

    " Or, "Bless her heart, she's so buck- toothed, she could eat an apple
    through a picket fence."

    There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though
    she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it
    weighed 10 pounds."

    As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that
    bad. I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
    about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler
    is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is
    very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of
    hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to
    move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said her
    friend. "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.."

    Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the north,
    bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their
    recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their
    endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the
    heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

    The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to
    act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much. I
    was raised to say "swanee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say
    that anymore, I swanee you don't.

    And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right
    much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is
    right funny indeed.

    I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got
    to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a
    giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts,
    they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!

    My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help
    being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

    To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: take
    a dose of sausage gravy 'n' grits and call me in the morning, bless your

    And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
    Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on
    Southernese as a second language!

    Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:

    Drinking straight out of a can. Not sending thank you notes. Velvet after
    February. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

    Southern girls appreciate their natural assets: Dewy skin. A winning smile.
    That unforgettable, Southern drawl.

    Southern girls know their manners: "Yes, ma'am." "Yes, sir."

    Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: "Y'all come back!"
    "Well, bless your heart." "Drop by when you can." "How's your mother?" "Love
    your hair." "Well, shut my mouth."

    Southern girls don't sweat...they glisten.

    Southern girls know their summer weather report: Humidity Humidity Humidity

    Southern girls know their three R's!: Rich Richer Richest

    Southern girls know their vacation spots: The Beach The Beach The Beach

    Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August: Summer tans Wide
    brimmed hats Mint juleps

    Southern girls know everybody's first name: Honey Darlin' Sugah

    Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: "Gone With the
    Wind" "Fried Green Tomatoes" "Driving Miss Daisy" "Steel Magnolias"

    Southern girls know their country breakfasts: Red-eye gravy (or thick white
    gravy, or chocolate gravy for the die-hards.) GRITS Mouth-watering homemade

    Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Adlanna
    (Atlanta as outsiders say, lol) Richmon Charleston S'vannah Birminham
    Nawlins' OH! That city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

    Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos.
    Rhett Butler, of course.

    Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

    Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall The Beauty Salon The
    Ranch with the longest stretch of river bottom

    Southern girls know the three deadly sins: Bad hair Bad manners Bad blind

    Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fo'evah!

    G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

    Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to some other Girls Raised In The
    South, i.e., Southern Belles, or any females aspiring to be GRITS