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The New Darwin Awards

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Navy Whale, Aug 15, 2002.

  1. Navy Whale

    Navy Whale Irritant

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    I don't know if these are true, but they are funny:



    It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out. You know about it. The Darwin Awards: The annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year's nominees are:

    Semifinalist #1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

    Semifinalist #2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    Semifinalist #3 A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."

    Semifinalist #4 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

    Semifinalist #5 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the building as far as three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

    AND THE WINNER IS.....

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off ) which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)before the driver applied the brakes and completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface,then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.
     
  2. Alex_Knight

    Alex_Knight

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  3. NVGlock

    NVGlock Present

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    ;m ;m ;m ;f ;f ;f
    Obviously, the moron didn't remember that Impalas don't fly, they leap...usually to their own demise!
     
  4. Guest

    The JATO car incident has been confirmed as an urban legend. No credible evidence of the event has ever been produced.
     
  5. LewisQ

    LewisQ 357SIG/10mm

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    To add, I lived in Brazil for a couple years and there is no such a thing as mooning people (unless it chnage din the past 8 years). Showing your butt like that would be seen as being gay!
     
  6. Dennis in MA

    Dennis in MA Get off my lawn

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    Who had that link of the JATO-car project. THAT was a pretty funny story.

    If it was NOT true, someone went to a LOT of trouble to make it believable. It was a 10page long story. It was a classic.
     
  7. Uncle Strut

    Uncle Strut Low Post Count

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    It's a shame that someone always has to run and investigate JOKES at the Urban Myths Website. Then they get to report to everyone that the story is false, like anyone believed it to begin with. They must need to boost their self confidence or something.

    I wonder if these same people in elementary school that were the "tattle tales" that would run to the teacher and report what people did while she was out of the classroom.

    The darwin awards website clearly states what is bogus and what is confirmed. The jokes are still funny. I hope the kiljoy isn't too disappointed that I got a laugh out of it, true or not.


    http://www.darwinawards.com/
     
  8. Uncle Strut

    Uncle Strut Low Post Count

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    (21 December 1992, North Carolina)
    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death
    in December in Newton, when, awakening to the sound of
    a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special,
    which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
     
  9. Grimsi

    Grimsi Restored member

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    [QUOTEAND THE WINNER IS.....

    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off ) which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)before the driver applied the brakes and completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface,then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph. [/B][/QUOTE]

    A lie, And I call major BS on this for dozens of un stated reasons and one in particular, jato units develupe enough thrust imulse to shred the frame of ANY auto enev one renforced by an "engineer".

    And if I recall correctly this particular LIE was started more

    than twenty years ago, so I doubt that the darwin folks woud bother

    with it...also MACH os the speed of sound in sea level "air",

    so Mach 1 = 761.5 mph at sea level. 761.5-420.0= 341.5, yeah really close there pal.

    !
     
  10. Darkmage

    Darkmage

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    This is the story you're thinking of.
     
  11. Guest

    No, some of us just have a low tolerance for B.S. that's presented as fact.
     
  12. NVGlock

    NVGlock Present

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    It would be an interesting experiment though....
     
  13. Alex_Knight

    Alex_Knight

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    Again, these are very funny.
     
  14. Dennis in MA

    Dennis in MA Get off my lawn

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    THAT's the one. Thanks, Dark. Gotta FAV that one.
     
  15. SomeGuyInAHat

    SomeGuyInAHat

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    http://www.dps.state.az.us/news/nr96006.htm
     
  16. Boogity Boogity

    Boogity Boogity Atkins Man

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    Personally, and I am sure you will have a reason, I have never read anything in the Lighter Side that I thought was supposed to be true. I take it all as JOKES, or it would be in another forum.

    Are you implying all those threads with all those jokes are supposed to be true? Do you really think little Johnny said that to his teacher, or that Baptist Dog story was true, or perhaps the 'mice in church' joke. Did you check the validity of any of these stories, or hundreds of others because I don't think they are totally true.

    The Jet Assist Take off, a little hard for the average person to accept as true, dontcha think? Or do you just get a rush off correcting people?

    It is a forum for jokes. Perhaps you should get a life. I pity you.
     
  17. Guest

    Boogity, apparently you're the one that should get a life. The Darwin awards are for factual stories presented to show the stupidity that some people engage in. The Darwin awards people go to great lengths to verify a story is true before an individual is considered. Throwing in a B.S. story under the pretense of being an actual Darwin candidate defeats the purpose don't you think?

    I have no problem with jokes, but posting an urban legend under the pretense that it is fact (adding the label of Darwin candidate) falls into my B.S. category. It would be along the lines of posting that Gun Tests states that Glocks KaBoom. It just isn't true.

    Also, Navy Whale stated that he wasn't sure if the stories were true or not. I was clarifying for him.