The Chili Contest

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by lethal tupperwa, Oct 27, 2002.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    Aug 20, 2002
    The Chili Contest

    Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Doc, who was
    visiting Texas:

    "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
    celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cookoff, because no
    one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick
    at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
    judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
    came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
    the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
    could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    DOC: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
    dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

    DOC: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
    front of the beer line.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red

    DOC: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
    uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
    Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
    could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
    now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for
    fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    DOC: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
    fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    DOC: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
    farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
    contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given
    me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly
    on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
    judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.

    DOC: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
    flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally the

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
    Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

    DOC: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
    sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
    with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
    Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
    stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen
    anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
    all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
    mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
    Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

    DOC: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)