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Texas Summer

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Khaffert, Apr 1, 2003.

  1. Khaffert

    Khaffert Senior Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    San Antonio, TX
    This one is for anyone that has moved to or is planning on moving to Texas during the summer. May this be a warning......

    Texas Summer!

    May 30th
    Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on
    a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

    June 14th
    Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

    June 30th
    Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 10th
    The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

    July 15th
    Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    July 20th
    I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. No more pets in this heat!

    July 25th
    Dry heat, my ***. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to
    order parts.


    July 30th
    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

    Aug 4th
    115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I'm starting to hate this state.

    Aug 8th
    If another wise *** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my
    clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted Garfield!!

    Aug 10th
    The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to move for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren, forsaken
    place?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the swimming pool, which is now bone dry, because we're not even allowed to fill it up. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

    Aug 14th
    Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The glass installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had
    to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

    Aug 30th
    Worst day of the summer. By noon the temperature broke 110. Well, it finally rained today. Fifteen inches in 2 hours. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield.

    That does it, we're moving to Rockford for some peace
    and quiet.
     
  2. AKbear

    AKbear Millennium Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Horn Lake, MS
    Dear Diary


    July 12 - Moved to our new home in Alaska. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can't hardly wait to see snow covering them.


    Sept. 7 - Alaska is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride today through the beautiful mountains and saw two moose. They are truly magnificent. One of God's greatest creations. This must be paradise. I love it here.


    Oct. 28 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and took turns shoveling the driveway. We had a snowball fight, (I won) and when the snow plow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I think I will live here forever.


    Nove. 5 - More snow last night. I love it! The snow plow came by again. I love it here.


    Dec. 10 - Minus 20 degrees is not nearly as cold as most people think. Had the car towed into a garage to thaw out; must have an old battery. Took a cab to work.


    Dec. 18 - More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. *******!


    Dec. 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! More ****ing snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-***** who drives the snow plow I'll rip his testicles off. Don't know why they don't use more gravel on those ****ing icy roads.


    Dec. 27 - More white ****. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere; car's stuck in a mountain of white ****. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** tonight. So, you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?


    Dec. 28 - The ****ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plow got stuck today. The bastard came to the door to ask if he could borrow a snow shovel. After I told him I had broken two shovels already shoveling all the **** he piled into my driveway, I broke my LAST one over his ****ing skull.


    Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a stupid ****ing moose ran out in front of my car and I hit him. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those ****ing beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last September.


    May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. You would not believe the paint and window chipping from all the ****ing gravel they put on the roads.


    May 10 - Moving to California. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in the godforsaken state of Alaska.
     

  3. Khaffert

    Khaffert Senior Member

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    Location:
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    Too Funny AK Bear....Left Chicago and I was up there during the winter of 78-79, I was a little kid at the time, loved the snow days, that turned into snow weeks.....
     
  4. blue-tonic

    blue-tonic Thats My Bush!

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    Location:
    Saginaw, Texas
    There is just no pleasing some people. ;i
     
  5. igrp

    igrp ut supra

    Joined:
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    Location:
    The Sunshine State
    ROFLMAO. Too funny. BTW: I love Florida. Just perfect. :)