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Texas chili cook off

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by blue0623, Oct 17, 2006.

  1. blue0623

    blue0623 2B1ASK1

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    Location:
    Garland, Texas
    Hope this doesn't offend anyone but I thought it was funny as HELL






    Chili Cook-off



    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
    attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
    judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
    true this is. We actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
    Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
    lot at the San Antonio City Park.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
    who was visiting from Aberdeen, Scotland. Frank: "Recently,
    I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
    The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
    was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
    chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
    could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this sruff?
    You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
    beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
    These Texans are crazy!

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
    taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
    what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
    people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
    rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
    feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
    by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
    the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
    I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
    Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
    fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
    the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb
    woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
    eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
    forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
    behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
    her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
    tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
    pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me
    off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and
    I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
    to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.
    I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
    can of chili peppers at the last moment.
    **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
    appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
    and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
    world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
    covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
    pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
    autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
    breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
    anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
    too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
    mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
    Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
    down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
    have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report.
     
  2. TexasFats

    TexasFats NRA, TSRA, SAF

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Austin, TX
    I laughed so hard I nearly passed out!

    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: