The Guy Test... The Real Guy Test: Are you a real guy? Take this test: Question 1: Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all diseases, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: A: Present it to the President of the United States. B: Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C: Take it apart. Question 2: As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A: Innocence. B: Idealism. C: Cherry Bombs. Question 3: When is it okay to kiss another male? A: When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B: When he is the Pope. (but not on the lips) C: When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that for business reasons you have to have him killed. Question 4: What about hugging another male? A: If he's your father and one of you has a fatal disease. B: If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food from this mans trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") C: If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. Question 5: Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... A:...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. B....reflect upon the fleeting transience of life. C....tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. Question 6: In your opinion, the ideal pet would be: A. A cat. B. A dog C. A dog that eats cats. Question 7: You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday after- noon the two of you are taking it easy...you are watching a football game...she's reading the paper...when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married, only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A: That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B: That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C: That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. Question 8: Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A: You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B: You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C: Tell her what? Question 9: One weekday morning your wife wakes feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A: "Do they need to eat or something?" B: "They're in school already?" C: "There are three of them?" Question 10: When is it O.K. to throw away a veteran pair of underwear? A: When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B: When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C: It is never O.K. to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than her. Question 11: What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A: He was being tested. B: He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally go there. C: He refused to ask for directions. Question 12: What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A: Democracy. B: Religion. C: The Remote Control. How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C". A real guy would score at least 10 points on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special 5 point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.