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Talking Dog

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Reef Diver, Oct 30, 2002.

  1. Reef Diver

    Reef Diver PWI

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    This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

    The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
    and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
    and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
    rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
    running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    The owner says "Ten dollars."

    The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

    The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
     
  2. Reef Diver

    Reef Diver PWI

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    A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name.

    After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells
    her closest friend that there is no money left.

    The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 a
    few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

    The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost $6,000. And of course,
    I made the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another
    $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone."

    The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is
    it?"

    Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats
     

  3. Reef Diver

    Reef Diver PWI

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    Last month, the UN conducted a worldwide survey. The only question asked was:

    "Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a huge failure...

    * In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    * In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    * In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    * In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    * In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    * In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    * And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
     
  4. Reef Diver

    Reef Diver PWI

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    A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

    The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

    Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

    The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

    "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.

    "Someone else must have shot that bear."

    "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
     
  5. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    I love those, thanks Reef Diver. Eddie:) I'm gonna share that last one with my Doctor.