Subject: Tools Explained

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Blitzer, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. Blitzer

    Blitzer Cool Cat

    Messages:
    12,111
    Likes Received:
    3
    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2004
    Location:
    The communist's play ground of OHIO
    Subject: Fw: Tools Explained

    Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:12:25 -0500

    I think we can relate to some, if not all of these...



    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
    stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
    beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
    carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
    workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
    from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
    into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle....
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
    more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
    becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
    nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
    heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in
    your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
    which you want to remove a bearing race..

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
    for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
    your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
    aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
    can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
    to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
    old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
    used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
    screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
    needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
    kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
    object we are trying to hit.

    STANLEY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
    delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
    checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
    clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of
    fingers.

    :rofl: :supergrin: :wow: :whistling: