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Spoilage

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Mar 21, 2003.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

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    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Location:
    Muskogee Ok.
    FOOD SPOILAGE TESTS FOR BACHELORS
    THE GAG TEST:
    Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except
    for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself
    last night).
    EGGS:
    When something starts pecking its way out of
    the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
    DAIRY PRODUCTS:
    Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
    Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage
    cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts
    to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
    nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any
    more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese
    is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you
    realize you've never purchased that kind.
    MAYONNAISE:
    If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the
    mayonnaise is spoiled.
    FROZEN FOODS:
    Frozen foods that have become an integral part
    of the defrosting problem in your freezer
    compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
    wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out
    with a kitchen knife.
    EXPIRATION DATES:
    This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you
    to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll
    spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit
    by having a calendar in your kitchen.
    MEAT:
    If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
    animals from a three-block radius to congregate
    outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
    BREAD:
    Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only
    officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen
    on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and
    hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a
    good indication that your bread has turned into
    a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
    FLOUR:
    Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
    SALT:
    It never spoils.
    LETTUCE:
    Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off
    the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
    Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
    CANNED GOODS:
    Any canned goods that have become the size or
    shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
    CARROTS:
    A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
    RAISINS:
    Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
    POTATOES:
    Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or
    dense, leafy undergrowth.
    CHIP DIP:
    If you can take it out of its container and bounce
    it on the floor, it has gone bad.
    EMPTY CONTAINERS:
    Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator
    is an old trick, but it only works if you live with
    someone or have a maid.
    UNMARKED ITEMS:
    You know it is well beyond prime when you're
    tempted to discard the Tupperware along with
    the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
    containers should not burp when you open them.
    GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
    Most food cannot be kept longer than the average
    life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby
    your refrigerator to gauge this.