Southern hints

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by vafish, Jul 27, 2005.

  1. vafish

    vafish

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    In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State. (These actually should be the rules in all states.)

    1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

    2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

    3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

    4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

    5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.

    6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

    7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

    8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

    9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

    10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!

    11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car ? We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

    12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

    13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our senior citizen's with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.



    14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

    15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.

    16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

    17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it ? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 20 goes the other two. Pick one.

    18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-20 West.

    19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove

    season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the CAFE on either day.

    20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

    21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

    22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

    23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

    24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.

    The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

    American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God
     
  2. Black Tiger

    Black Tiger

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  3. angrystormG23

    angrystormG23

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  4. Egyas

    Egyas Troll Hater

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    I can roll with ALL of those just fine, except 13, 14, and 15.

    13) Eating with the family is cool. I just don;t do the Sunday drive thing.

    14) I get "road rage" when I'm in a hurry.

    15) I don't like greens. Tried 'em more ways than I can count, just never liked 'em.



    Can I be "honorary"? :)
     
  5. Philo T.

    Philo T.

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    As a Deep Southerner who moved northward, I thank you for both the chuckle and the tear on my cheek!
     
  6. gr81disp

    gr81disp Bushbot v1.0

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    Not sure Egyas. It is really the not eating greens part that is making it iffy. What do you say, let him have it?

    Sorry, let me translate that into Southern.

    Hm, dyall think we aughta stringem up or go walmartin' with'im?
     
  7. Egyas

    Egyas Troll Hater

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    LOL! ;c
     
  8. novium

    novium

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    I live relatively close to the intersection of I-75 and I-20. Technically 75 has changed names to 45 by the time they intersect, but it's the same highway that takes entirely too many people into this state and not enough out.

    thanks for the chuckle
     
  9. gr81disp

    gr81disp Bushbot v1.0

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    Uummm...you sure about that novium? Because we have I-75 (from Florida to Michigan) and I-20 (from the Carolinas out west somewhere) and they intersect, so I kinda figured that one was from this state.
     
  10. major

    major Rejected member

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    sorry, but I-75 goes nowhere near Texas. I-75 and I-20 cross in downtown Atlanta....nowhere else.
     
  11. Rebeldon

    Rebeldon

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    16. I don't know about eating carp. You can have it.
     
  12. SQUAD

    SQUAD

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    ~rf ~rf

    That has to be the funniest thing I've read all week!

    And major you are absolutely correct. I still can't stop laughing!
     
  13. vafish

    vafish

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    I20, I30, I45, and I35 intersect in Dallas, TX.

    I20, I75 and I85 intersect in Atlanta, GA.

    I just checked Mapquest. :)
     
  14. Magnumaniac

    Magnumaniac

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  15. 26Glocker

    26Glocker

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    Damn, Vafish! That was freakin' beautiful! Thanks!
     
  16. 10hasteeth

    10hasteeth

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    I felt like I was home again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thanks for a reminder of the things that are really what life is all about!
    That could have been my brother posting that.
     
  17. vafish

    vafish

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    I wish I could claim writing it, But my secretary sent it to me.

    Actually I grew up in Minnesota, worked summers on a family friends farm. Most of them (except for the grits, greens, diamond backs and red clay) work just as well there.
     
  18. Adams454

    Adams454

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    Hell, I lived in "metro" Atlanta for 6 years and almost none of those apply to Atlanta. I had to move back to Florida to get back to the country. I got tired of answering the question "what exactly is a redneck?" and "why would you want to live that way?" All the rest is me and that's why I had to leave the "Capitol of the South". There are too many yankees up there.
     
  19. vafish

    vafish

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    Were they Damn Yankees, or God Damn Yankees?

    You know Yankees are people who live up north, Damn Yankees are people who live up north and come south to visit, God Damn Yankees are people from up north who come south to live.

    I guess I'm the latter.
     
  20. Rebeldon

    Rebeldon

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    This spaghetti junction should only be attempted by veteran drivers.