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Some Jokes To Lighten The Mood

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by GunZnWomen, Jan 16, 2003.

  1. GunZnWomen

    GunZnWomen OtherWhiteMeat

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    Please try to keep them relatively clean.

    Here's my contribution:

    A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

    Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

    The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

    The bartender says "Prove it."

    The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

    By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

    The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

    The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

    "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

    The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
     
  2. drod

    drod

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    ;f
     

  3. BrianDamage

    BrianDamage YouTalkin'ToMe?

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    hey, this is a good idea.

    we ought to have a forum dedicated to jokes and stuff! that would be cool. We could call it "The LIghter SIde", or something catchy like that.
     
  4. GunZnWomen

    GunZnWomen OtherWhiteMeat

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    Everyone's been talking about how GNG has been tense lately.

    I give up...
     
  5. PatrolMom

    PatrolMom

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    You've only been here a month...how could you be tense, yet? ;Q ;g
     
  6. Glock n Stein

    Glock n Stein Millennium Member

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    Don't laugh at dead dogs.

    Or Mod of a House that rips many off.
     
  7. PatrolMom

    PatrolMom

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    Go ahead, have another drink...see if we care. ;g
     
  8. Glock n Stein

    Glock n Stein Millennium Member

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    So you throw a party,

    and one of your helpers rips off many attendants.

    They complain/notify,

    all remain silent?!
     
  9. forthehalibut

    forthehalibut

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    That is THE WORST haiku I have ever read!;g
     
  10. BrianDamage

    BrianDamage YouTalkin'ToMe?

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    I'm not tense...just a smartass;f

    lighten up, Francis;)
     
  11. jame

    jame I don't even know....what I'm doing here....

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    Wow.......how prophetic this one has become.

    Nice try GZW.
     
  12. GunZnWomen

    GunZnWomen OtherWhiteMeat

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  13. WolfmanGK

    WolfmanGK Super Plump

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    Ok, uhhh time for another joke. Anyone?
     
  14. GunZnWomen

    GunZnWomen OtherWhiteMeat

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  15. jame

    jame I don't even know....what I'm doing here....

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    A quick shot:

    A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.;c ;a
     
  16. BigDeeeeeeee

    BigDeeeeeeee Reluctantly Deplorable!

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    AAAhahahahahaha!!! Didn't see that one coming. ;f
     
  17. BigDeeeeeeee

    BigDeeeeeeee Reluctantly Deplorable!

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    A guy walks into a bar...


















































    Watch where you're going dumbass!;f
     
  18. GunZnWomen

    GunZnWomen OtherWhiteMeat

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    What's the differnce between a mosquito and a blonde?

    I can't tell you or this thread will definitely be locked.
     
  19. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    Another one:

    Two Dead Blondes"

    Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
    "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze
    to death?"
    "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.".
    How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as
    I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
    The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
     
  20. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    Third one:

    An engineer dies and reports to hell.

    Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

    After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"