Some gems from comedian Steven Wright:

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Eddie C., Oct 24, 2002.

  1. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. Administrator Moderator CLM

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    Feb 21, 2002
    State of Confusion
    * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    * Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

    * Half the people you know are below average.

    * 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    * 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

    * If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

    * All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

    * The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

    * OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    * How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    * If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    * When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    * Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    * I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

    * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    * What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    * My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    * The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    * Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
  2. Dontgetdead


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    Feb 26, 2007
    St. Louis
    "I have a life size map of the United States at home. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's really hard to fold."

    "I spilled spot remover on my dog... He's gone."

    "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it?"

    Be back to blow the cobwebs out in another decade or so.