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So here it is (blame GamerGirl for this thread, my marriage issues)

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by cougar_ml, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    So there is the thread posted asking what the hardest part about being married is.

    I posted a comment about having your wife or nearly 8 years being pregnant with another man's baby was the hardest part for me.

    So no, starting out I was not a very good husband.
    It took me the birth of our son and a few more years to start figuring out how to be a good father and to start learning to be a good husband. To be honest, I'm obviously still not that great of a husband, but I am working on being better.

    So after 7 years of marriage, my wife and I were still having many of the exact same arguments as we had been ever since before we married. Over the years some of the details had changed, as there were things I was doing differently to try to calm it down, but the underlying issue was always the same.
    Apparently, I talk too slowly. She tells me she can never figure out when I'm done talking so that she can start. The fact that she starts talking right in the middle of me is rather irritating to me.
    She can't stand me "yelling." All it takes is a slight change in the tone of my voice or look on my face and she starts off on everything I've done or how badly that I've treated her over the past 7 years. Many of these things are even blatant lies, but that's how she remembers them and trying to argue using facts is a lost cause with her.
    The things that irritates me the most? people interrupting me, and people telling me that what I said isn't true. Both are great ways to get me to start looking and sounding irritated.

    That's pretty much the basis of every argument we have ever had.

    So now how that ties in.
    She's got a depression issue. She also has issues about instant gratification, that if she doesn't get it she becomes depressed.

    In a few (or maybe more than a few) of the arguments we have had over the past year, I told her, in anger, that if being with me doesn't make her happy maybe she should go find a boyfriend.
    Apparently she decided to listen (funny how she only seems to hear me or believe me when it's something damaging to me) and started dating a coworker back in December.
    Now, this might not have been as big of an issue if she hadn't continued to be intimate with me for another month or more past her relationship with him starting. If she had completely stopped being intimate with me and moved to another room in the house before this started, maybe I could understand her argument that we were no longer together and so it doesn't matter.
    But she also felt the need to hide it and lie to me about it.
    In January she told me that this year she was going to change. She also was scheduled to go get birth control but cancelled that and told me the reason was she wasn't going to be having sex with me anyway so she didn't need it.
    Also in January, she posted some pictures online that she had taken. They were of a coworker. One of them was of her kissing him. She claimed that it was strictly for the picture.
    I also caught some texts on her phone where her coworker bobby was calling her things like honey and sweety. Her excuse on them was that the guy was gay and they all talk that way in the office.
    In february she told me she was going to separate from me and eventual divorce. She moved herself to a different room in the house to live in.
    I begged her for another chance. She agreed to give me another chance.
    So for 2 full months I managed to do everything "perfectly" (her description, not mine). I asked her multiple times to give me some sort of sign that I was doing the right thing and that it was making a difference. The most she ever gave me was "well I'm still living here aren't I?"
    So in April we had another big fight. Basically started when I told her I needed some sort of feedback from her, some sort of comfort from her instead of the cold shoulder she was giving to me. I agreed to let her continuing to live in my house until our 6 year old finished school for the year.
    A month or less later she started asking me questions about what I would do if she did get a boyfriend, and was really trying to get an answer for how I would react. I asked her to her face if she had ever cheated on me. She replied, to my face, "no"
    6 weeks ago she came to me and told me to either have unprotected sex and get her pregnant or we were completely done with no more chances. I told her no, but that I would be willing to in a few more months.
    The next day I sent her a text, basically saying the only reason for a married woman to say things like she did was if they were already pregnant and trying to hide it.
    Her response was disbelief, to treat me like I was crazy, and make me feel bad about myself for even thinking such a thing.

    2 weeks ago she moved into her own apartment. Last thursday she came down to pick up our son to take for the night. She left her purse on the counter. I opened it up to see if her license was there, as I didn't want her driving our son around without it.
    What I found was a sonogram saying that she was at 10 weeks when it was taken, and that was a little over 2 weeks earlier. This was about 11pm. I gave her a phone call, waking her up.
    She told me the father was named robert. I asked if it was "bobby" the gay guy from january. She told me it was a different bobby.
    On Sunday I told here that there was a chance that I could try to forgive her, and that we might be able to work past this, but that both of us would have to put in a lot of effort and she would have to be completely honest with me. She told me she had scheduled an abortion early on, but then cancelled it. I told her that I would still try to take her back whether she decided to keep the baby or not, though I recommended that an abortion might make this process a lot easier.
    She asked me for 1 week to decide.
    She came down and stayed with my son on monday night. We talked a little bit, but she told me she wanted to talk to bobby before making her decision.
    Finally this morning she talked to bobby before work. He has apparently been too busy the past few days and he might have been avoiding her a little bit.
    He told her that he will move into her apartment and pay the bills for her. That was all she needed to tell me she was done.
    A little bit after that I showed up at their work, and asked for him. When he came out to meet me I introduced myself with first and last name, and asked if there were any other bobbys that worked there. He said no, he is the only one, and he was the one I was looking for. I had to wait a little longer but we went outside and had a 20 minute chat.
    He told me that she had let everyone know that me and her were separated, and that's apparently the only reason he was willing to date her. He seemed to genuinely feel bad about finding out my side of the story.
    Their relationship apparently started in December, so over a full month before she moved to a separate room, and told me she was leaving me.
    I told him about many of our issues together, and all the things she had been telling me since the beginning of the year. I'm not very good at reading expressions, but It seemed to me like I was giving him a lot to think about.
    He was very apologetic, and told me that he went through something similar and knows how it feels, and just felt bad about it.
    He also seemed like he might be having a few second thoughts starting to form, because if she was going to do this to her husband of 7+ years, what was to keep her from doing it to him.
    He also said that many of the issues that I had with her were things that she was starting to do around him as well.
    I'm a complete idiot but I told him that if he decided to change his mind, that I had given her until sunday to make her decision, and that I would stick to that. If for some reason he didn't want to support her anymore that I would still make sure she is taken care of. Still being willing to try to take her back and being able to forgive her for what she did to me would be something that is probably well beyond the stupidity of any mere mortal, but if nobody else is supporting her I would still try to, because even with everything she did she is still my wife (for now) and the mother of my son.
     
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  2. huskerbuttons

    huskerbuttons

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    Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. The best thing for you to do is take care of your kid and remove yourself from all of her drama. You're going to need a lawyer ASAP. Also make sure you are not automatically named as the father on the birth certificate, ( since you two are married), as YOU will be financially responsible for Bobby's **** trophy. I wish you well in the future. It does get better but it takes time.
     

  3. r3dot

    r3dot

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    Why the hell do you keep trying to drag it out? Some things aren't meant to be. Stop wasting your life with a sociopath. Enjoy an awesome life of being single and finding someone badass.
     
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  4. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    yeah, so a little bit long maybe, but I thought giving as much of the picture as possible might help me for some reason
     
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  5. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    I plan to go talk to a lawyer next week to help get the marriage separation paperwork and divorce paperwork started. I've tried doing it myself but I'm not really good at paperwork. Legal paperwork is a foreign country to me.
     
  6. huskerbuttons

    huskerbuttons

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    Also, you said you would take her back, why would you do that? She doesn't see you as a husband or a loved one, just a paycheck or a fall guy. If she wanted to be with you she would be. Don't lower yourself into chasing someone who doesn't respect you or want to be with you.
     
  7. huskerbuttons

    huskerbuttons

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    Again, make sure you are not on the hook for Bobby's kid. Some states will automatically list you as the father on the birth certificate. You don't want to pay for his fun time for 18 yrs.
     
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  8. Hannie Caulder

    Hannie Caulder Diva extraordinaire

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    After catching my ex-husband having sex with one of his nurses, I was still willing to give salvaging our marriage a try. Until I found out he had actually fathered a child with said nurse while we were married. Then I was done.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  9. G30SF/F-250

    G30SF/F-250 Pinky Out Platinum Member

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    Dayum. I didn't know that! :alex:
     
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  10. ScarFace88

    ScarFace88 I swear I had something for this...

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  11. r3dot

    r3dot

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    Did your ex husband and his boyfriend adopt a kid?
     
  12. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    I'm an idiot maybe? I thought I made it pretty obvious that I'm really stupid.

    Yes, I know I'm being stupid. While I crave the attention and affection of having someone with me in my life to share it, I do realize that she is not the one that I should have. I've known for years to be honest. It's just hard to let go of 8 years of life spent with a single person.
     
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  13. janice6

    janice6 Silver Member

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    Why should she change. You are always there to pick up the pieces and care for her no matter what she does or how inconsiderate of your feelings she is.

    I would have cut her loose long ago. You have supported her selfish lifestyle long enough. Actions have consequences. Lying and deception should never be acceptable.


    She needs to grow up and you're not helping with that. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions, and how it impacts her life.

    Until then, she learns nothing and your life will remain the same as it is. Learn when to quit!
     
  14. Kevinr20

    Kevinr20

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    Don't lower yourself so far that you'll take her back. For ****s sake, she's pregnant with another mans kid while you were married and living together. Leave her and let her be someone else's problem.
     
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  15. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    You know Hannie, if it weren't for the fact that we are completely opposite types of people on the opposite side of the country I'd be tempted to try for you. (that and you're not single at the moment either so automatic no go.)
     
  16. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    I don't know if she is going to be able to, but you are right, she does need to grow up and see reality for what it is, not what she wants it to be.

    I've never been particularly good at quitting when I should, just one more reason why I never started drinking.
     
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  17. huskerbuttons

    huskerbuttons

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    No it's not hard to let 8 miserable yrs go. I got a divorce after 10 yrs from my first wife. It was a relief. Would you stay at a miserable job for 8 yrs?
     
  18. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    Yup, I do need to just get away from her. If it wasn't for us having a son together I don't think we would have lasted even half this long.
     
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  19. cougar_ml

    cougar_ml

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    I pretty much did, as this marriage was a lot of work with miserable pay, so just like a job.
     
  20. janice6

    janice6 Silver Member

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    Everybody learns. Some early, some late. Good luck in the future.
     
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