* You lose arguments with inanimate objects. * You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. * Job interfering with your drinking. * Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. * Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. * The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. * Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. * 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! * Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! * You can focus better with one eye closed. * The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. * You fall off the floor... * Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. * Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! * Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. * At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." * Your idea of cutting back is less salt. * The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... * You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Pretzels * Roseanne looks good. * Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. * That stupid pink elephant followed me home again. * Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. * "I'm as jober as a sudge." * The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.