Seven reason to crawl under a rock

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Rooster Rugburn, Jun 16, 2002.

  1. Rooster Rugburn

    Rooster Rugburn Got Pignose?

    Likes Received:
    May 9, 2002
    hopefully, on your ignore list
    I deleted the name and cities of the contributors.

    1. CURL UP AND DIE - I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

    2. PAD PLEASE - An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

    3. HO, HO, HO - I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
    picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!

    4. LADY GOLFER - I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

    5. NUTS ABOUT YOU - My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

    6. PRICELESS - A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

    7. MOM'S ADVICE - A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
    office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his ***** hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." She screamed. "I did," He said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
  2. AC37

    AC37 SystemicAnomaly

    Likes Received:
    Dec 12, 2000
    Provo, UT
    I had an experience like this at World of Fun in Kansas with my dad and foster brother last summer. So that we wouldn't be split up and so that we could ride the same roller coaster, my foster brother suggested that we let a few girls go ahead of us. This is what the conversation consisted of:

    Kenny: We can give them heads (Let them go ahead of us in the line).

    Dad: I don't believe I've heard that phrase before. What does that mean, "give head?"

    The woman in front of us just turned and looked at me as we both tried desperately not to laugh...;p

  3. trcubed

    trcubed Senior Member

    Likes Received:
    Jan 23, 2001
    Kuhnigitdale, NC
    A friend and I had just arrived at the golf course and lined up behind several groups at the first tee. Our wives had come along for the afternoon and had rented a separate "girls only" cart. His wife saw someone at the ballwasher and innocently asked (yeah, right), "What's he doing?" to which MY wife correctly replied "He's washing his balls."

    Three of the men in front snorted soda from their noses, two were on their backs kicking their feet in the air, and the rest were trying unsuccessfully to act like they hadn't heard a thing.

    Of course, my friend and I acted like we didn't know WHO those crazy women were.

    Made for a really great day...

    Terry Riley
  4. SK

    SK Guest

    Likes Received:
    Aug 21, 1999
    Years ago my cousin's wife was shopping with her five-year-old. At the time there was a toothpaste brand that had the catch phrase "Gives your mouth sex appeal"
    Her son came running down the asile shouting loudly
    "Mom! Is this the stuff that puts sex in your mouth?"
  5. cdmoran


    Likes Received:
    Jul 9, 2000
    Years ago I was waiting in an auto dealer parts dept that was located next to a company that sold various types of nuts when the counter person giving directions over the phone said "Yea, we're just below Skinner's Nuts" cracking everyone up.
  6. DJ Niner

    DJ Niner Staff Member Moderator

    Likes Received:
    Feb 13, 2001
    North-Central USA
    A couple of years ago, Burger King had a promotion in conjunction with the release of the movie Toy Story. If you ordered certain items, you could get a character toy with your order. They actually let folks choose which one they wanted, as long as they still had them. I shouted my family's order at the drive-through box, and it sounded like this:

    "Whopper w/cheese, Whopper Jr. w/cheese, chicken sandwich, three fries, two chocolate shakes, one orange drink. Oh yeah, I want a Woody, too."

    The kitchen staff thought it was pretty entertaining...
  7. WolfmanGK

    WolfmanGK Guest

    Likes Received:
    Oct 7, 2000