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Senior moments

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by CHEF-LOU, Mar 8, 2004.

  1. CHEF-LOU

    CHEF-LOU

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    Nov 4, 2003
    Location:
    Southwest PA
    Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel
    noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,'"Mabel, did you know
    you've got a
    suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She
    pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this
    thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
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    When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,
    but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a
    friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he
    died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day
    so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for
    posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he
    always was."
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    An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing
    on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the
    old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the
    captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him
    as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got
    a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife
    dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to
    her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."
    The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the
    end of the service, the pall bearers are
    carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
    casket They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman's
    actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again,live!
    She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
    ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out
    the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out:
    "Watch that wall!"
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    When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
    sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have
    a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets
    up and makes me pancakes, sausage,fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

    I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

    She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my
    favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

    I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

    She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with
    wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me
    until 2:00 a.m."

    I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

    She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
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    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had
    shared all kinds of activities and
    adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
    week to play cards.

    One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
    other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
    time.....but I just can't think of your
    name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
    it. Please tell me what your name is."

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared
    at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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    THE SENILITY PRAYER

    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
    fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

    Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 ... oh hell, send
    it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Then
    something is supposed to happen . . . I think.