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Self Tazing!

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by UneasyRider, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. UneasyRider

    UneasyRider C.D.B.

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    Dec 1, 2005
    My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have
    outdone myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in
    the near future. Here goes.

    On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police Supply Shop that tickled my fancy.
    (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
    The occasion is my retirement and I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you
    who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal pron! gs
    designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
    you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
    your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into
    your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
    muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action,
    then you're truly missing out -- way too cool! I've seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found
    this handheld one for civilians.

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the
    darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions
    (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
    not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that
    if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc
    of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did it.

    Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee...

    I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
    only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

    There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions
    (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
    and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a fraction of a second and
    thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to
    my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So,
    there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
    directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
    and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
    of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
    like a fish out of water.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
    circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to
    myself, "no friggin' way!"

    Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond
    description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of
    what followed.

    I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
    it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
    bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give
    myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

    (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
    it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate
    that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!!
    I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner
    then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
    the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
    under my body in the oddest position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never heard
    before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her self, "do it again, do it again!"

    (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such
    thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

    You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
    on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours

    SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
    point), I collected my wits ( what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
    and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone
    seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

    They're round. Miss 'em...I sure would like to get'em back.

    I wonder what retirement day two will bring?
  2. N4CDLAW

    N4CDLAW MI Refugee

    Likes Received:
    Apr 15, 2001
    Northern DFW Texas
    You, sir, have made my day.

    ;z ;z ~woohoo~ ~rf ~rf `l ~1

  3. OhNo


    Likes Received:
    Dec 8, 2005
    Western Montana
    I peed my pants reading that!
  4. rwojcik


    Likes Received:
    Jun 9, 2005
    What make and model? Also looking for something for the wife. Maybe these should be issued to all those contemplating suicide; Pain has also been a good deterrent.

    Check with your cat for your marbles since you lost the essence of time she probably kicked them under a chair (albeit laughing it's tail off) while you were emulating your best epileptic seizure.
  5. SCmasterblaster

    SCmasterblaster G17 carrier since 1989 Millennium Member

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    Sep 24, 1999
    Hartford, Vermont
    I found them; they are here in New Hampshire.

    `l `l `l `l `l `l `l `l
  6. pesticidal

    pesticidal Eh? CLM

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    Jun 5, 2002
    North Dakota
    Pretty funny. I saw that one a couple years ago. Always good for a laugh.

  7. Arrkhal


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    Oct 4, 2005
    Unfortunately it's not true. If it is, it's just another example of the placebo effect. People have gotten drunk on tap water when they genuinely thought it was alcohol.

    Actual tazers shoot out their electrodes, and are more like 10,000 to 15,000 volts. Those things actually work, and will drop a huge guy in his tracks, instantly, under ideal circumstances.

    Stun guns are usually 80,000 volts+, and don't shoot anything. All they do is give you a static shock from hell. It stings like the dickens, but does nothing else.