"Rules from the Male Side." 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Christmas, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Saturdays and Sundays are for guns, shooting, and/or sports on tv. It's like the moon or changing of the tide. Let it be. 5. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 6. Crying is blackmail. 7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just tell us what you want. 8. We do not remember dates. Mark birtdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 13. Check your oil. Please! 14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 15. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 16. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 17. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the answers makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 18. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It's genetic. 19. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 20. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 21. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 22. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 23. All men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 24. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 25. We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 26. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it is just not worth the trouble. 27. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 28. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 29. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as war stories, guns, sports, or sex. 30. You have enough clothes. 31. You have too many shoes. 32. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's a Bruce Lee movie or some war flick where it doesn't matter what they're saying anyway. 33. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 34. Beer and guns are as exciting for us as handbags are for you. And finally: 35. We don't mind sleeping on the couch. It's like camping out.