"Release Information"

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Glockdude1, May 11, 2005.

  1. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    "Release Information"


    NAME:___________ INSTITUTION:____________

    Soon the above named person will be released into society and
    into your care. Yes, once again you will have your loved one with you.
    In order that you may understand and help him adjust, we are providing
    you with information that will give you some insight in the care and
    feeding of your "Club Fed" graduate.
    Try to avoid large crowds and long lines in particular. He will
    get into any line and stand complacently for hours. Do not, under any
    circumstances, allow him to go shopping without a shopping list. Arrange
    for your local store to assign him a number and to have him wait outside
    until his order is filled.
    Occasionally walk through the house shaking a bunch of keys,
    yelling ethnic phrases and gibberish (preferably in Spanish). Turn off
    all the lights at 10:30PM and walk through the bedroom shining a
    flashlight in his eyes, and if possible, carry a loud squawking
    walkie-talkie. This may sound strange, but trust us, we know best. We
    are, after all, the government.
    Try to ignore him if while sitting at the table, he starts to
    fill a baggie with sugar or wraps food in a napkin, and/or places the
    dinnerware in his pocket, continue to eat as if nothing has happened. To
    get him to get up after the meal is over, just stand up and knock on the
    table, look him dead in the eye and tell him it is time to go. This can
    be embarrassing in public. It is suggested that you refrain from eating
    out until the urge subsides. We suggest starting out with buffet style
    restaurants when you do start eating out as he will be more comfortable
    with them.
    After working he may run into the house and grab a folding chair
    and place it in front of the TV with his shirt or coat over it to
    reserve his spot. It may take a while to break him if this.
    When he comes home warn family and friends that when he calls,
    he may still call them collect, as he is unused to normal phone
    procedures. Don't be surprised if he places a finger in his ear an
    glares at you if you interrupt him while he is talking. Also, he will
    not answer the phone, as he has no concept of receiving calls. This may
    ease with time.
    At 4:00PM, he may drop what he is doing and run to the bedroom,
    where you will find him standing quietly by his bed. If this occurs,
    just yell "Count Clear" and he will snap out of it. This may occur at
    other times during the day and evening (just repeat the procedure).
    Please be compassionate and understand that he may have to stand
    in the shower to obtain an erection. If you find yourself in the shower
    with your loved one, realize that he is not being discourteous when the
    soap is dropped and he refuses to bend over and pick it up. He is just
    being cautious.
    He will prefer to store all his belongings, including food,
    clothing, and toiletries int one single small place like a locker or a
    box that can be placed under the bed.
    He will prefer to use a credit card when shopping, as he is
    unfamiliar with using cash. With a little patience, you should be able
    to teach him how to count money again.
    Your loved one will be perplexed when opening mail. You will
    need to open the envelope, tear the letter in half, then insert it back
    into the envelope and staple all parts.
    If he is outside, the best way to get him to come in is to yell
    "Yard Recall". If you are calling him for a meal, simply yell "Mainline
    is Open, Chow Time!!". If your loved one has a tendency to wander at
    night, tell him that a "bedbook emergency count" could occur at any
    time. If he really gets out of line, tell him you will call a "boss" to
    slam him and give him a "shot" and take him to "the hole", thereby
    causing him to lose his "good time".
    These are but a few of the quirks that your loved one may have
    acquired while a guest at "Club Fed", but with tender loving care and
    understanding, you will once again have the person that you knew and
    loved.

    Sincerely,

    The Bureau of Prisons..........

    ;N