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Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by G-19, Nov 29, 2005.

  1. G-19


    Likes Received:
    Jul 1, 2004
    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I
    learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to
    make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable
    plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
    ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around
    the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
    alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick
    and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
    which one can die.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave
    is the depth.

    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really
    good for anything, but you still can't help but
    smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
    lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a
    camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs
    like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing

    All of us could take a lesson from the
    weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the
    world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
    Prozac to make it normal.

    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
    profession. I have come to realize that it bears a
    very close resemblance to the first.

    How is it one careless match can start a
    forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and
    say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
    and drink whatever comes out?"

    Who was the first person to say, "See that
    chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that
    comes outta its butt."

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
    the freezer?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
    there a song about him?

    Why do people point to their wrist when
    asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch
    when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you
    get undressed if they are going to look up there


    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto
    remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
    that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable
    oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil
    made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does
    morality come from morons?

    Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
    Little Star have the same tune?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of
    Alphabet Soup?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
    dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take
    him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the

    Does pushing the elevator button more than
    once make it arrive faster?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the