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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by roadgrader, May 8, 2009.

  1. roadgrader


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    Apr 24, 2009
    The perfect Mother's Day gift! Also great for birthdays, anniversaries, or "just because I love you" occasions....<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
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    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
    lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
    loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
    of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
    sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
    soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
    to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
    thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
    better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
    thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
    tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
    and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
    muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
    would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
    of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
    two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. ..?
    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst
    from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
    the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
    in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
    and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
    testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
    the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
    sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
    the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
    flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
    of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
    yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
    your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst
    would be considered conservative?
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
    fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
    it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
    sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
    believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering
    a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
    and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!