Pirated from someone else who pirated it from someone else who pirated it from ......

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Gunrnr, Aug 9, 2002.

  1. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

    Likes Received:
    Oct 31, 1999
    Land of Enchantment
    1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

    3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

    5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

    6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

    7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

    8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

    12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

    14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a massage!

    15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

    17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

    18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

    19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

    21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

    22. Welcome to S*** Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !

    23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

    26. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

    27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
  2. Alex_Knight


    Likes Received:
    May 8, 2001
    Right behind you.
    9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    ;f ;f ;f

  3. master tigon

    master tigon Guest

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    May 21, 2002
  4. madhattrsu

    madhattrsu 25m00th4u

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    Sep 29, 2001
    Grad School, FL
    I'm going to get some crap for these... so if you don't like "naughty", off color jokes. DON'T READ THESE!!!!!!

    But if you do... these will have you crying.

    Q. Why do drunks throw up in the gutter?
    A. To serve the homeless breakfast in bed.

    Q. What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
    A. Having your dentist confirm it.

    Q. Have you heard about the new mail-order home surgery kit?
    A. It's called "Suture Self."

    Q. Why do women have two sets of lips?
    A. So they can piss and moan at the same time.

    Q. What does it mean when you find a grain of rice inside a bucket?
    A. Some poor Ethiopian kid has been up all night vomiting.

    Q. What do you call Ethiopian bunk beds?
    A. Venetian blinds.

    Q. What's the first thing a woman released from a battered women's shelter should do?
    A. The dishes, if she's smart.

    Q. Why do old white men love playing golf so much?
    A. It gives them a chance to dress up like black pimps.

    Q. How does James Bond like his women??
    A. Shaven not furred.

    Q. What's the best part about marrying a woman with leprosy?
    A. She can only give you lip once.

    Q. Why do blonde nurses carry red magic markers?
    A. In case they need to draw blood.

    Q. Why was the blonde grabbing at the air?
    A. She was collecting her thoughts.

    Q. Why are blondes proof of reincarnation?
    A. Because you just can't get that dumb in one lifetime.

    Q. What's the toughest part about cooking vegetables in the microwave?
    A. Fitting their wheelchairs through the door.

    Q. What did Michael Jackson say to the boy that he was screwing?
    A. "There's a great musician deep inside you."

    Q. What do you give the pedophile that has everything?
    A. A transfer to another parish.

    Q. What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
    A. Both need a hoe to stay in business.

    Q. How do you most ethnic jokes begin?
    A. By looking over both your shoulders.

    Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
    A. When you take it off, you wonder where their boobs went.

    Q. What do you call a Korean family with two dogs?
    A. Ranchers.

    Q. What did the retard say to his barking dog?
    A. "Down, Syndrome!"

    And lastly: The best of the worst...

    Q. What's blue and f*cks the homeless?
    A. Hypothermia.

    Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
    A. Not being retarded.

    Q. What did the deaf, dumb, and blind crippled little boy get for his birthday?
    A. Leukemia.

    Some of these are so incredibly wrong. I'm just a bad person for laughing at these. I'm over it already.

  5. Gunrnr

    Gunrnr Senior Goofoff Millennium Member

    Likes Received:
    Oct 31, 1999
    Land of Enchantment
    You're right