Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand. Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative: 1) 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles. 2) 98.9% of all soldiers have eaten pickles. 3) 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles. 4) 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident. 5) 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently. Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate. In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile US soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans' per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds. Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.