Old Soldiers

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Mar 20, 2003.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    Likes Received:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Muskogee Ok.
    If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those
    responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City
    and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 70 now and the Armed Forces say I'm
    too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the
    military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of
    sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
    You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
    Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
    Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than
    28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
    soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain
    them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
    An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war
    until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy,
    on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the
    time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60
    would do wonders for the old beer belly.
    An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up
    early (to pee). If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans
    because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name,
    rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
    Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting
    screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also
    developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost
    better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however.
    I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope
    hanging over the side , nor did I ever do any pushups after training.
    I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
    And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.
    I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
    He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation.
    To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and
    the boxer shorts sticking out.
    To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles.
    And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a
    Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
    All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little
    more about life before sending them off to a possible death.
    Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards
    who attacked our hearts on September 11.
    The last thing the enemy would want to see right now
    is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.