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old jokes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by ChuteTheMall, May 19, 2005.

  1. ChuteTheMall

    ChuteTheMall Wallbuilder and Weapon Bearer

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    Aug 20, 2000
    Colluder in Cahoots
    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
    getting Married?"
    "Do I know her?"
    "This woman, is she good looking?"
    "Not really."
    "Is she a good cook?"
    "Naw, she can't cook too well."
    "Does she have lots of money?"
    "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
    "Well then, is she good in bed?"
    "I don't know."
    "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
    "Because she can still drive!"

    Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
    Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know
    you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about
    him before I give him my answer."
    Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually
    at 7 P. M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he
    brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and
    what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and
    all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it
    was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we
    went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I
    could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my
    apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off
    my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!"
    Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't
    go out with him?"
    Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

    The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
    grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
    His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it
    all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex
    tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older,
    you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are
    lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.
    The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and
    Grandma now?"
    His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
    "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
    "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed
    in my bedroom. She yells, ' Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You

    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
    cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty "

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
    few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
    gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
    really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
    be cheerful.'"
    The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
    murmur. Be careful.'"

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
    himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath
    he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
    "No," he replied, "arthritis."