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Old Irish Jokes------ tis the season

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by lethal tupperwa, Mar 15, 2004.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

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    An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each
    order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three
    flies
    buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another
    pint.
    The Irishman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

    The Scotsman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his
    fingers and
    shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

    *******************************************

    An Irish Fight Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
    he'd just
    been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
    face is
    cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?"; asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
    must have
    had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
    lickin' he
    gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
    Didn't you have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
    it was,
    but useless in a fight."

    ****************************************************************

    Irish Cemetery
    Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from
    the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past
    the old
    graveyard..

    "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
    God
    bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

    "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says
    here that
    he was 95 when he died."

    Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
    145!"

    "What was his name?" asks Paddy.

    Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
    is
    written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."


    *************************************************

    Irish Predicament
    A drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
    Catholic
    Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
    there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
    either."

    ***************************************************

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
    service, and
    she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
    last
    night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any
    last
    requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father..."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"