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oil change

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by nipperwolf, Jun 5, 2003.

  1. nipperwolf

    nipperwolf

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    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2002
    >Oil Change instructions for Women:
    >
    >1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
    >last oil change.
    >2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    >3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    >vehicle.
    >Money spent:
    >Oil Change $20.00
    >Coffee $1.00
    >Total $21.00
    >
    >Oil Change instructions for Men:
    >
    >1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    >filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
    >$50.00.
    >2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for 20.00, drive
    >home.
    >3) Open a beer and drink it.
    >4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    >5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    >6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    >7) Place drain pan under engine.
    >8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    >9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    >10) Unscrew drain plug.
    >11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    >Cuss.
    >12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    >kitty litter on spilled oil.
    >13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    >14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    >15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
    >and twist off.
    >16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing, oil
    >everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
    >can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    >17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
    >change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
    >18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
    >pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
    >in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
    >19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    >20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    >21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    >22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    >gasket surface.
    >23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    >24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    >25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    >26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
    >along with drain plug.
    >27) Drink beer.
    >28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
    >dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
    >patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
    >lawnmower gas.
    >29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    >kitty litter on oil spill.
    >30) Drink beer.
    >31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
    >rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    >tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    >32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    >33) Begin cussing fit.
    >34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    >35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
    >(1992) in the left boob.
    >36) Beer.
    >37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
    >flow.
    >38) Beer.
    >39) Beer.
    >40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    >41) Beer.
    >42) Lower car from jack stands.
    >43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    >44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    >steps 23 - 43.
    >45) Beer.
    >46) Test drive car.
    >47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    >48) Car gets impounded.
    >49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    >50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    >
    >Money spent:
    >Parts $50.00
    >DUI $2500.00
    >Impound fee $75.00
    >Bail $1500.00
    >Beer $40.00
    >Total-- $4165.00
    >-- But you know the job was done right.
    >
    >