Oil Change

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Reef Diver, Oct 14, 2002.

  1. Reef Diver

    Reef Diver Guest

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    Sep 28, 2002
    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
    Money spent:
    * Oil Change $20.00
    * Coffee $ 1.00
    Total $21.00.

    Oil Change instructions for Men:
    1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
    2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it properly, dump in hole in back yard.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands to jack car up.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open and drink another beer
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in the process.
    12) Clean up mess.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Look for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
    16) Beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
    18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Discover that the drain plug is buried in a hole in the back yard along with old used oil. (IDIOT!!)
    27) Drink beer.
    28) Uncover hole and sift for drain ! plug.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Make bail.
    50) Get car from impound yard.
    Money spent:
    *Parts $50.00
    *DUI $2500.00
    *Bail $1500.00
    *Beer $25.00
    Total-- $4075.00
    But you know the job was done right!
  2. Reef Diver

    Reef Diver Guest

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    Sep 28, 2002
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh ****! Am I driving?"

  3. Eddie C.

    Eddie C. CLM

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    Feb 21, 2002
    State of Confusion
    RD, Funny stuff!;f ;a ;f
  4. blue-tonic

    blue-tonic Guest

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    Mar 20, 2002
    That was just to funny! ;f