Offshoot of the scams by family

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by nursetim, Oct 18, 2019.

  1. railfancwb

    railfancwb

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    My mother lived alone for a number of years after my father died. Then moved to assisted living for several years. This was in the community where she and daddy had spent many years and raised their children.

    When her condition due to advancing dementia became such that her care needs exceeded what the assisted living facility was licensed to provide, we moved her to a nursing home near where I lived, so I could visit. My brother lived in the general area but by agreement the nursing home chosen was close to my work.

    I dealt with her financial matters and never considered charging for that service. Wasn’t a burden from the time consumed. Had it taken several hours each month I might have felt differently.

    The really tough part was watching her go downhill.

    I’ve had friends and relatives step forward and provide care during those final months and years. In one situation the lady was caring for her mother while raising a granddaughter.


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  2. peng

    peng

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    If your alarm bells are going off, maybe listen to them. No one knows better than you what you're in for. You need to help your wife understand this.

    If your sister has financial and HC POA, that makes the job harder that does not to be any harder. If your Mom has money, let the AIF spend it on a facility.

    It sounds like decision making power will be out of you hands, that is a big consideration here. Maybe a facility is the better answer then.

    It's a crap situation and it may leave you not feeling good no matter what you do, that certainly was my situation. Now is the time for thoughtful decisions for all concerned.

    Good luck brother.
     
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  3. Geeorge

    Geeorge Sarcasm Inc.

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    I have no advice, but good luck
     
  4. nursetim

    nursetim

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    No, I’m HCPOA, that I’m coming to understand doesn’t mean bupkiss.
    My POA(PITA) sister called and asked if mom had been bad with money, she didn’t know. I told her she was into $15 bottles of ketchup.
    The upside is mom may get nostalgic and we have more shared experiences.
    Both girls popped smoke as soon as they possibly could.
    I figure I can’t go wrong trying to carry out Mom’s wish. I understand that at some point she may have to go into memory care.

    If I do this, it saves her resources if/when her needs become more than we can handle.
    POA sister is not the executor of mom’s mystery will.
    Personally, I think mom’s mystery will, will be her last FY to her children she never wanted. She feeds off of misery and conflict with delight and glee.

    As far a a facility goes, she flatly refuses and she is not a social person, charming, but not into making friends at all. She could probably take her weight class in that memory care facility in N.C.
     
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  5. Deltic

    Deltic

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    I would say she would be giving up a lot more than income. This sounds like it could be a full time job for years with little thanks or reward.
     
  6. Deltic

    Deltic

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    ...

    ...

    If your wife is willing to do this she absolutely deserves compensation and a decent amount IMO.
     
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  7. Flying-Dutchman

    Flying-Dutchman

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    You will be betrayed at the end of all this because of the mystery will and your sister's power of attorney.

    Those given power should bear the responsibility. The sister with the POA should take care of your mother. For whatever reason your mother choose her. Families have a pecking order. I know this as being the youngest I am low man on the pecking order in my family although when there is a problem then I am asked to help.

    You need a family sit down to go over the will and delegate responsibilities. If your mother and sisters refuse to have a sit down then walk away. You have no legal obligation and any help you give is from the goodness of your heart and loyalty as a son.

    If your mother just needs help with cooking, cleaning and taking pills it might not be too bad for you and your wife if you are compensated. If she needs 24/7 nursing home type care you need complete control of your mother's affairs if you even are able to do it.

    Sometimes it seems better to be an orphan.
     
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  8. light-switch

    light-switch Back to work...

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    While it may make you feel better about yourself, it may not be the best for YOUR family.

    I was under the impression that one's estate was never enough to cover the actual cost of nursing homes. If that's the case, then it doesn't matter whether you save anything. Am I wrong?

    Mom sounds like a piece of work: almost as bad as my own mother...

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  9. deputy tom

    deputy tom Gringo Viejo

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    Your wife should be paid to be the care giver. Good luck in this venture. I went thru it with my mom. tom.
     
  10. OGW

    OGW SAF

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    Tim, there's some unvarnished truth here.
     
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  11. JohnBT

    JohnBT NRA Benefactor

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    "nursetim said:
    "So the rumor is, whoever takes care of her has “rights of survivorship”. She told my wife, long before she had her will made, that she was giving my wife “rights of survivorship”."

    There has to be something to inherit for this to matter. And in your situation the money is controlled by someone out of town. That's going to be a royal pita.

    A good friend of mine spent a few years providing meals and such to his mother-in-law in her home. She lived a couple of blocks away and needed meals and monitoring and transportation and shopping done, so they didn't spend much time traveling 3 or 4 times a day. They were paid by one or more government programs to keep M-I-L out of the nursing home. They were retired so it worked out pretty well.

    Anyway, his wife's brother was mom's POA. He was into hotshot residential real estate investing. They didn't find out until mom's eviction notice arrived that he'd refinanced her home - a nice home on a lake - to make a down payment on another house or two or three or twelve and the whole house of cards crashed on him. Phony paperwork, whatever. I'll skip the story and jump to the end. They had to build an addition on their house for M-I-L and then she died unexpectedly 6 months later.

    Brother-in-law did 7 years in federal prison.
     
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  12. Captain Steinbrenner

    Captain Steinbrenner

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    Tell to whoever is having reservations about your wife being compensated to do it themselves then, you’ll see how ****ing fast they start backpedaling.
    Taking care of someone with Alzheimer’s is NOT AN EASY JOB.


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  13. Foxterriermom

    Foxterriermom No place like home

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    Tim, your wife's idea to care for your Mom and your willingness to seriously consider it is very noble, but with the current situation you have described it is not very wise. I think you should listen to your gut and not your heart on this one. Are there other ways you can be supportive without committing yourselves to her total care?
     
  14. Ramjet38

    Ramjet38 Mentally Frozen

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    Yeah my wifes father the same as we took care of all his needs financially but never took money for ourselves.
     
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  15. First shot

    First shot

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    Lotta kindness with experience in these responses... I think we all know that there’s no magic “Yes or No” answer...peng post #10 said no two situations are alike with the disease...that also goes for “family dynamics”...FullClip #7 has family that worked it out together, (he’s lucky as am I)...There’s going to be some deep thinking ahead for you and your wife....You’ll know what choice to make..... I like to think that all my bad decisions are behind me and I’m betting that yours are too...
     
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  16. LEO/Dad

    LEO/Dad Navy Veteran

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    My sister and I had to move our parents back home from another state, because of their health. Dementia and Alzheimer's was also raising their ugly heads. This experience was the worse thing that I ever had to deal with. My sister would agree. Nursing homes were all full (that you would put your parents in), so was on waiting list $300 deposit. Nice home contacted us, room available. My Dad did not want to move, my sister was retired and was able to move in with them at their home, and ease the move. I drove down and brought my Dad back. Very sad situation. Dad died in the home after less than a year. Before that we had to take his truck away from him. This was bad, we found that he had several accidents where they lived. Mother progressed into a Alzheimer's state. I would get a call from the home telling me they would find my mother riding the elevator up and down at 2am. In todays dollars, Mom's Alzheimer's would be around $200/day. My parents saved, but that is a lot of money. My sister and I talked about having Mom living with us. We discussed this with health professionals. We were educated about how Mom could get up in the middle of the night and turn on our gas range, and not even realize what she is doing. A danger to herself and us. We decided to move her into the Alzheimer's unit. They were great, staff was very good caring for these people 24/7. It is a lock down facility. Mom lived several years after the move. We paid the home over $300,000 for their care. My sister has taken out long term care insurance to help protect their farm. This was an experience, but our parents received excellent care in their final years.
     
  17. gatorboy

    gatorboy ( . Y . )

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    Don't do it then. You have experience in this field and nobody knows your mother better than you do. I know if I tried to do it for my mother and couldn't deal with it I would feel like a selfish quitter. No need to get in over your heads, put stress on your marriage and feel like you failed her. I have no experience caring for a person in that state but know for a fact It's beyond my capabilities. It takes qualities that are not my strong points, namely patience. Best of luck.
     
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  18. pattym

    pattym

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    If you are not in total control, do not do it! Let the Sister with POA do her part! I went threw this, people don't realize how hard it is!
     
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  19. Pluto57

    Pluto57

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    Honestly, nothing good can come out of doing this, so don't. If, tho, you make the horrible decision to do it, compensation is not taking advantage. It will just never be enough.
     
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  20. Intolerant

    Intolerant

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    Tim,
    if you`ve got gut feelings of bad, walk away. There are places that can do this for your mother.
    I`ve been thru this a couple times. If only i had gone with my gut feelings...

    Family almost ended my marriage, couple different times. Siblings CAN BE greedy!
    At the end of the day, its your wife & life you have to live with, as well as BOTH of your choices.

    Sometimes, family can be your worst nightmare... trust me, i know first hand about that.
    At least get a lawyer... they`ll see things you wont, in and during harsh family times.

    That is all the advice i can give at this point... good luck to BOTH you and your wife.
     
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