60 above * Carolinians try to turn on the heat. * People in Upstate New York plant gardens. 50 above * Californians shiver uncontrollably. * People in Upstate New York sunbathe. 40 above * Italian and English cars won't start. * People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down. 32 above * Distilled water freezes. * Lake Ontario's water gets thicker. 20 above * Southerners don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. * People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel shirt 15 above * Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. * People in Upstate New York have the last cook-out before it gets cold. 0 * People in Miami all die. * Upstaters lick the flagpole. 20 below * Californians fly away to Mexico. * People in Upstate New York get out their winter coats. 40 below * Hollywood disintegrates. * The Girl Scouts in Upstate NY are selling cookies door to door. 60 below * Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. * Upstate Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below * Mt. St. Helen's freezes. * People in Upstate NY rent some videos. 100 below * Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. * Upstaters get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. 297 below * Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. * Cows in Upstate NY complain about farmers with cold hands. 460 below * ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). * People in Upstate NY start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 below * Hell freezes over. * The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl.