Odds and ends

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by lethal tupperwa, Jan 19, 2003.

  1. lethal tupperwa

    lethal tupperwa

    Likes Received:
    Aug 20, 2002
    1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
    use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

    2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you
    still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
    I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

    4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of

    5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
    argument going.

    6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
    about seeing UFOs like they used to.

    7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
    woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is
    they're a bunch of liars.

    8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

    10.Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars
    and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

    11.In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
    weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    12.Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
    realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. which
    is....think people.

    13.There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
    what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and
    be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
    another theory which states that this has already happened.

    14.How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
    whole box to start a campfire?

    15.You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but
    they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
    Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and
    those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
    by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
    bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
    must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin
    he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
    something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
    was, but useless in a fight."