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need some Lawyer jokes...

  1. proceed!

  2. What is the best thing about lawyer jokes? They’re funny AND they are actionable.
  3. Definition of a "crying shame:" Bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff and 1 seat is empty.
  4. A lawyer and a doctor were making small talk at a social function.

    Doctor: Tell me, do people ask for your advice at functions such as this?

    Lawyer: All the time.

    Doctor: What do you do?

    Lawyer: I answer their questions then send them a bill in the mail.

    Three days later the doctor received a bill in the mail from the lawyer.
  5. What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of a lake?

    A good start.
  6. Question: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of horse crap?

    Answer: The bucket.
  7. Two lawyers go to confession....no, that can't be right.
  8. Difference between a lawyer and a carp? One is a scum sucking slimy bottom dweller, and the other one is a type of fish.
  9. Oldie but goodie: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying - his lips are moving.
  10. Why won't a snake bite a lawyer?

    Professional courtesy.
  11. Whats black and brown and looks good on a laywer ???

    A doberman
  12. Why did the lawyer cancel the leper's hockey game?

    There was a face off.

    Sorry, I like leper jokes.
  13. I love lawyer jokes as much as anyone, but the attorney I use is a credit to his profession. He's a stand up, honest guy doing his best to help you out.
  14. I hear you.

    my favorite lawyer is my daughter...but I still feel a need to "needle" her a little....
  15. Two lawyers were stranded on a desert island for a month. One day a beautiful woman floated up to their island on a small raft. She was unconscious but alive.
    One of the lawyers asked “should we screw her?”
    The other lawyer asked “outta what?”
  16. Anomalous: standing out of the ordinary...
  17. What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer? He gets taller.
  18. That's funnier than judging a hoky poky contest at s leper community.
  19. There was a corporate attorney where I used to work. This lawyer, among other things came to meetings and talked to us about affirmative action, contracts, etc. Great guy and he always opened his presentation with a lawyer joke.
  20. And?...............
    We're waiting!
  21. Lawyer, hahahahahahhhha
  22. Hence, “all lawyers are *******s except mine. He’s a pit bull!”
  23. My post #4 was one of his jokes.:dancingbanana:
  24. " There must be some mistake ", the lawyer argued; " I am too young to die, I'm only 55 ".

    " Fifty five ? " says St. Peter. " No, according to our calculations, you are eighty two "

    " How did you get that ?" the lawyer asks.

    St. Peter says, " We added up your time sheets ".
  25. Just remember, 99% of attorneys give the other 1% a bad name.

    Sent from my Jack boot using Copatalk
  26. How do you tell when a lawyer is cold.....

    He’s got his hands in his own pocket.
  27. People don’t really hate lawyers - just the one who represented the ex wife.
  28. What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road..........

    there's skid marks in front of the skunk
  29. A lot of people don't think that lawyers have ethics. They don't realize that in law school, all prospective lawyers are required to take a course in ethics (e.g., "Ethics in the Practice of Law 101").

    One of the things they do in this class is give lawyers scenarios that contain ethical problems, and discuss them in class. Here's a typical scenario:

    "You prepare a Will for a widow. Since she's a widow, you only charge her $100. She pays your fee in cash. After you get back to your office, you discover that she's given you two $100 bills, stuck together. Now for the ethical question: Do you tell your partner?"

  30. Not so much a joke, but a real adage:
    "The judge may be an azzhole, but he's OUR azzhole."

    (J.D. degree required for state-level trial court judge. Not necessarily for J.P. courts, though... )
  31. An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

    An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
    "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

    There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, "Oboy! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!" The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."

    A ship goes down at sea and there are four survivors on a life raft. They are the captain of the ship, a carpenter, a garbageman and a lawyer. The captain told them that there wasn’t enough water for all four so someone had to go overboard. He liked the carpenter, a hard working man, so he asked, “I’ll let you stay if you can answer one question: what was the name of the big ship that hit an iceburg and sank?” The carpenter said, “The Titanic.” “Good,” said the captain. “You may stay.” Then he looked at the garbageman and didn’t know if they wanted someone like that in there or not, so he said, “How many people died on that ship?” The garbageman said, “1228.” “Right,” said the captain. Then he turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

    An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: his Doctor, his Priest and his lawyer. “Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.” After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested." The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in !"

    It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

    What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

    What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

    What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

    What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.

    What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

    Post office brought out some new stamps with pictures of lawyers on them. They had to recall them, though, because people couldn’t figure out which side of the stamp to spit on.
  32. Dang it, that was mine.

    I was working on a fire investigation. We had three (3) fire investigators, three (3) engineers and six (6) lawyers in attendance. The investigators and engineers were sifting through some sixty (60) 30 gallon bags of debris, while the lawyers watched. The investigators and engineers discussed guns, knives, hunting, etc.

    A (northeast, liberal) lawyer decided to tell an engineer joke.......

    The investigators and engineers opened up with a barrage of lawyer jokes. I told the one you gave. The NE lawyer started to say something, then just laughed, and said - "that's one I haven't heard, pretty good".

    [And to add, after about fourteen (14) hours of sifting, the investigators/engineers found every single electronic component involved in the fire, and showed that the metering equipment was not the cause of the fire.]
  33. Dr. Smith goes to see lawyer Brown
    Receptionist: Hello Dr. Smith, how can I help you?
    Dr. Smith: I’d like to see Lawyer Brown please.
    Receptionist: I’m sorry Dr. Smith, Lawyer Brown died yesterday.
    Dr. Smith: can I leave him a message then?
    Receptionist: No, I sorry, Lawyer Brown is Dead. He won’t be getting any messages.
    Dr. Smith: OK, I just try again tomorrow.
    Receptionist: He’ll still be dead, goodbye.
    The next day Dr. Smith goes to Lawyer Brown’s office
    Dr. Smith: Good afternoon, I’d like to see Lawyer Brown.
    Receptionist: Dr. Smith, like I told you yesterday, Lawyer Brown is deceased.
    Dr. Smith: well can I leave him a message then?
    Receptionist: Dr. Smith, you’re a doctor, you must know about death. Lawyer Brown is tits-up, kaput, bout the farm, DEAD! How can you not understand that Lawyer Brown is dead?
    Dr. Smith: Oh, I understand perfectly well. I just like hearing you say it.
  34. mmm ok, they are all in DC
  35. now that IS funny

    thanks for the laugh Tim
  36. I heard that they were going to start using lawyers for lab testing instead of rats. The reason is that nobody is sad when a lawyer dies, and there are some things that rats won't do.
  37. I suffer from the same affliction. I met a good attorney who has been solid with regards to legal matters and has also become a friend.

    Of the many lawyers that I have met or had to do business with, Rick and his partner Tom are the only two that I can say that about.

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
  38. A father and his young son were in a shopping mall when the boy swallowed a quarter. Passed out on the floor and turning blue, the frantic father yells, "Is anybody a doctor?" A woman in a dark business suit calmly walks up, squeezes the boy's testicles causing him to cough up the quarter a few feet in the air where she grabbs it and walks away. The grateful father says, "are you a doctor?" She replies, "No, a divorce attorney." HH
  39. So Hell goes on strike and turns off the furnaces. Saint Peter calls down and says it’s getting cold and tells them to turn the heat back on. The Devil says no. St. Peter said you better or we will sue. The devil said where are you going to find a lawyer?
  40. A man walking the beach finds a lamp, rubs the side, and out pops a genie. The genie says to the man he has 3 wishes. The man says his first wish is to eliminate all lawyers. Poof! All the lawyers are gone. The genie starts to walk away and the man asks about his other two wishes.

    Genie says, "Sue me."
  41. A lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade. - Abraham Lincoln (and he wasn't joking)
  42. A rick man wanted to be buried with his money. He grew old and as he was dying, he didn't feel he could trust one person to fulfill his wishes, so he amassed his wealth in cash and divided it among three men he thought he might trust the most - his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer. He instructed each one of them to slip the third of the cash into his casket at the funeral.

    The rich man died and the priest, doctor, and lawyer all attended the funeral. One by one, they approached the casket, paused, and turned away. At the end of the day, the rich man was buried and the three trusted counselors gathered at a tavern.

    The priest spoke first: "My brothers, my heart is heavy. I have betrayed our friend. But, when I looked at all of that money, I realized what we could do with it, for the orphanage in town, and to help the poor. I made a choice, and not I must confess - I have given the money to the church, so I did not have it to place in the casket!"

    Then the doctor spoke: "Father, I understand. I understand because I did something similar. I know how desperately our hospital needs money like that, to provide services to the sick and needy. I also gave the money away - to the hospital - so I did not have it to place in the casket."

    The lawyer looked slowly at each man, and grew red with rage. "Frankly gentlemen I am shocked. Our deceased friend vested us with a sacred trust. You had no business doing anything other than following our friend's directions." The priest asked, "do you mean that you put that money into the casket?" The lawyer replied, "absolutely, I threw in a check for the entire amount."
  43. A guy walks into a bar yelling "all lawyers ars azzholes"
    A guy jumps up saying " I resent that" First guy says are you a lawyer?
    Guy says "no I"m an azzhole.
  44. It was so cold at the Courthouse this morning that I saw two lawyers standing with their hands in their own pockets.
  45. There are actually only 3 lawyer jokes. The rest are true stories.
  46. I love seeing so much career-envy coagulated in one place. More please!
  47. Imagine, if you will, (think Rod Serling's voice from Twilight Zone) that you're trapped in a small closet with a rabid dog, a rattlesnake and a lawyer and you have only 2-rounds left in your Glock. What do you do? The answer is obvious: you shoot the lawyer twice. :dancingbanana:
  48. I agree with the general gist of your post but 99% is too high. Don
  49. My favorite comes from Better Call Saul;....

    What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

    The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

  50. What do you call the worst lawyer in town? "Your Honor."

    If a small town has only one lawyer, he'll starve. If that town has two lawyers, they'll both prosper.