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Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by canis latrans, Apr 6, 2020.
A lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade. - Abraham Lincoln (and he wasn't joking)
A rick man wanted to be buried with his money. He grew old and as he was dying, he didn't feel he could trust one person to fulfill his wishes, so he amassed his wealth in cash and divided it among three men he thought he might trust the most - his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer. He instructed each one of them to slip the third of the cash into his casket at the funeral.
The rich man died and the priest, doctor, and lawyer all attended the funeral. One by one, they approached the casket, paused, and turned away. At the end of the day, the rich man was buried and the three trusted counselors gathered at a tavern.
The priest spoke first: "My brothers, my heart is heavy. I have betrayed our friend. But, when I looked at all of that money, I realized what we could do with it, for the orphanage in town, and to help the poor. I made a choice, and not I must confess - I have given the money to the church, so I did not have it to place in the casket!"
Then the doctor spoke: "Father, I understand. I understand because I did something similar. I know how desperately our hospital needs money like that, to provide services to the sick and needy. I also gave the money away - to the hospital - so I did not have it to place in the casket."
The lawyer looked slowly at each man, and grew red with rage. "Frankly gentlemen I am shocked. Our deceased friend vested us with a sacred trust. You had no business doing anything other than following our friend's directions." The priest asked, "do you mean that you put that money into the casket?" The lawyer replied, "absolutely, I threw in a check for the entire amount."
A guy walks into a bar yelling "all lawyers ars azzholes"
A guy jumps up saying " I resent that" First guy says are you a lawyer?
Guy says "no I"m an azzhole.
It was so cold at the Courthouse this morning that I saw two lawyers standing with their hands in their own pockets.
There are actually only 3 lawyer jokes. The rest are true stories.
I love seeing so much career-envy coagulated in one place. More please!
Imagine, if you will, (think Rod Serling's voice from Twilight Zone) that you're trapped in a small closet with a rabid dog, a rattlesnake and a lawyer and you have only 2-rounds left in your Glock. What do you do? The answer is obvious: you shoot the lawyer twice.
I agree with the general gist of your post but 99% is too high. Don
My favorite comes from Better Call Saul;....
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
What do you call the worst lawyer in town? "Your Honor."
If a small town has only one lawyer, he'll starve. If that town has two lawyers, they'll both prosper.
LOL! Case in point.
Johnny Carson used to joke that one of his ex wife's lawyers worked for 'Dewey, Cheatem and Howe'.
A friend owned a convenience store in my home town. He told me a guy stopped and asked if there was a criminal attorney in town? My friend answered: "We think there is. But we haven't been able to prove it yet".
I once aspired to become a lawyer then caught myself remembering that my parents were married.
I've known several lawyers in my life. Most were okay people. Two were the most miserable people you ever want to meet. I think the only thing they liked about being lawyers was how much money they made.
A young lawyer fresh out of law school finds a small town that not have a lawyer. He decides it is the ideal place to open his office.
After six months he is slowly going broke because he has hardly any clients.
Then another lawyer later opens an office, and in a few months they each have all the business they can handle.
How are a spermatozoa and a lawyer alike?
both have about a 1,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.
It seems that a young man and women fell in love and decided to marry. Both had grown up in broken homes where their parents divorced and had suffered much pain over the matters as small children. As such, they promised one another that once married they would NEVER part. They even drew up detailed binding pre-nups forfeiting collateral if either ever filed for divorce. They also planned a very elaborate church wedding. They meant for their union to be iron clad and absolute.
On the eve of the wedding, both were unfortunately killed in a car crash. Upon arriving at the "Pearly Gates" and meeting St. Peter, they both refused to enter Heaven unless they could do so married. St. Peter patiently explained that there was no marrying or other such worldly considerations in Heaven, but the young couple insisted. "Very well," St. Peter said at last. "I'll be back." St. Peter disappeared into the Heavenly city.
Now, there is no time in Heaven, but the young pair observed that St. Peter seemed to be away for a while. He finally returned with a kindly looking gentlemen, who he introduced as Reverend Brown. "Mr. Brown was a man of the cloth in his earthly life and will be pleased to pronounce you man and wife, and you can enter Heaven married."
The young woman, not quite satisfied, protested "But what about our legal agreements? We want those fully executed also!"
"Madam," St. Peter said, "I had considerable difficulty finding a preacher here. The chances of finding an attorney are nil. You will have to be satisfied with Reverend Brown's pronouncement."
We trudge on.
Guy slides up to a gal at bar.
He asks what she does.
She says she screws people 40 ways out of their money, puts them in jail,or gets them out when guilty, or trashes their marriage!
Guy says that he is a lawyer also.
ok, this one's the winner! my wife's a lawyer, and I told her this one and she couldn't stop laughing.