More truths

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by okie, Apr 27, 2003.

  1. okie

    okie GT Mayor

    Likes Received:
    Oct 28, 2001
    Muskogee Ok.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    A bird in the hand...can be messy.

    A clean house is a sign of a broken computer !

    A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

    A day without sunshine is like, you know, NIGHT !!

    A ferret is God's way of telling you NOTHING is child-proof !

    A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

    A lot of people pack up their troubles....and send them off to summer camp !!( I assume that this means sending your "kids" off to camp ! )

    A pat on the back is just inches away from a kick in the butt.

    All you really need in life is love and a few major credit cards.

    Always forgive your enemies....they hate it..!!

    Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else !

    Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by the publik edukashun sistum.

    Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

    Are you the opposite sex...or am I ???

    As I said before, I never repeat myself !!

    At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Behind every great man stands an amazed mother-in-law.

    Better days are coming, they are called Saturday and Sunday.

    Boss spelled backwards is Double S-O-B.

    Caution: I know karate...and six other Chinese words.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Dear God,Thanks for the pretty face,but the fat ass hasta go..!!

    Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

    "Dijon vu"That's when your fondest memories don't cut the mustard.

    Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    Do not walk behind me,for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.JUST LEAVE ME ALONE !

    Don't go to a Doctor whose office plants have died...

    Don't piss me off.I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty thing !!

    Don't tell me that worrying doesn't help.
    All the things I worry about never happen.

    Don't walk behind me....your not my slave.
    Don't walk next to me....we aren't equal.
    But PLEASE walk in front of me....cause have a nice a**.

    Drug tests...piss me off !!

    Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice !

    Dyslexics of the World....Untie !!!

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy and boring !!

    Early to bed and early to rise and you'll miss a lot of fun !!

    Early to bed and early to rise is the first one in the bathroom.

    Eat...drink...and remarry !!

    Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

    For people who like peace an

    Forecast for tonight: DARK

    God made just so many perfect heads....he rest he covered with hair.

    Grow your own dope....plant a man.

    He who laughs last...thinks slowest.

    Hear no evil,see no evil, speak no evil,have no fun.

    Help, he's farted and we can't get out !!(This was sent by a visitor to this website...they saw this saying on a license plate frame)

    Hire the left-handed....It's fun to watch them write !!

    Honey, your proctologist called: He found your head!!!

    Hooked on Fonix worcked four mee !

    How can I miss you if you won't go away??

    How long a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

    I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

    I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

    I can resist anything but temptation !

    I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.

    I don't get even, I get odder.

    I don't look for finds me !

    I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely.

    I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

    I finally got it together...but where is it??

    I have a photographic memory.Unfortunately, it no longer offers same day service.

    I have a problem with furniture....My chest has fallen into my drawers...!!!

    I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

    I have kleptomania. But whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.

    I love you more than yesterday. Yesterday you really got on my nerves.

    I need someone really bad....Are you really bad???

    I shop like a bull...I charge everything !!

    I take life one step at a time....unless the dog's been in the yard !

    I think I'm lost but I'm making record time !!

    I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!

    I wouldn't be broke if the voices in my head paid rent.

    If a man is alone in the woods and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him,is he still wrong??

    If being an idiot hurt,you'd be in constant pain !

    If duct tape can't fix it, buy a new one!

    If I were any lazier,I'd slip into a coma !

    If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.Then throw the lemonade back at life and steal the oranges you asked for in the first place !

    If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

    If Noah would have been truly wise...he would have swatted those two flies.

    If nobody knows the trouble you've seen, you don't live in a small town.

    If sweetness and kindness don't work .... nag nag nag!!!

    If the grass isn't greener on the other side send your dog over to fertilize it !

    If you are there before it's over,you're on time !

    If you are what you eat...I must be cheap, fast and easy !!

    If you can afford to go First Class and don't...your Heirs will !!

    If you can't blind them with science,baffle them with "Bull Dust" ...!!

    If you can't say anything good about anyone....come sit next to me !

    If you can't take the heat, get an air-conditioner for the kitchen.

    If you drink and drive, don't park, accidents cause people!!

    If you love something set it free.If it comes back, it will always be yours.If it doesn't come back,it was never yours to begin with.But, if it just sits in your living room,messes up your stuff, eats your food,uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....You either married it or gave birth to it !!

    If you think no one cares about you,try missing a couple of payments.

    If you'll regret it in the morning....sleep late !!

    If your nose runs and your feet're probably built upside down.

    I'm afraid, when my ship came in, I was at the airport.

    I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

    I'm going to be more assertive....if that's OK with you.

    I'M LOST...I have gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back,please tell me to wait.

    I'm not lost....I'm temporarily directionally impaired.

    I'm not really brilliant...It's just that my friends are stupid !

    I'm so busy...I don't know if I just found a rope or lost my horse !!

    I'm not going to worry unless the animals start lining up two by two for the next space shuttle.

    In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

    Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.

    It's always darkest before dawn.So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it !

    It's better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a jerk !

    It's not a bald's a solar panel.

    It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it !!

    K.I.S.S.=Keep It Simple Stupid !!

    Kids in the back seat cause accidents...AND accidents in the back seat cause kids !

    Kwityurbellieakin !!

    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast...The mime next door went nuts !!

    Laugh and the world laughs with you....Snore and you sleep alone...

    Lead me not to temptation. I can't find it myself.

    Lefties are all right !

    Light travels faster than sound.This is why...some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,the courage to change things I can,and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

    Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.

    Me, broke??? I'm just having an out of money experience.

    My husband said if I go out shopping one more time he is gonna leave me. Lordy, I'll miss that man !

    My inferiority complex is not nearly as good as yours.

    My mind works like brilliant flash and it's gone !!

    Never argue with an idiot...people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

    Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

    Opinions are like belly buttons, everybody has one !

    On this site in 1897...nothing happened...But yesterday....all heck broke loose...!!

    Once you get a mouthful of hot coffee,whatever you do next is going to be wrong.

    One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody is listening !

    Our motto:
    " If it ain't broke, keep fixin' it till it is! "

    People will believe anything if you whisper it.

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    Please Lord...let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me!

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

    Put off procrastinating till a later time.


    Reach for the keeps your chest from sagging !

    Return to Sender(this was a saying painted on top of a custom
    coffin in Ontario, Canada)

    Right now, I'm having amnesia and dejavu' at the same time....I think I've forgotten this before.

    Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.

    Roses are Red,Violets are Blue,I am schizophrenic,And I am too !

    Save the Whales.Collect the whole set !~!

    Shake it more than three times and your playing with it!

    She who wants a knight in shining armor....must clean up after the horse.

    Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    Short people RISE to the occasion !

    Some relatives are like fires...The sooner they're out...the better !

    Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.

    Someday your ship will come in,but you'll be at the airport.

    Sometimes I feel like life is a black tie affair and all I've got in my wardrobe is T-shirts !

    Squeeze me real hard...I'm real good under pressure !!

    Star light,Star bright,Where the hell is Mr. Right ??

    Stop talking while I'm interrupting.

    Streakers beware: Your end is in sight !!

    Stress: that confusion created when the mind must override the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some idiot who desperately needs it !!

    Stupid people should wear signs, would you like one ?

    Stupid people shouldn't breed ! Stupid people use quotes to make themselves sound smarter. You can quote me on that ! Thank you for not breeding.

    The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    The perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything is a burglar alarm.

    The procrastination support group meeting has been postponed !!

    The statement below is true.
    The statement above is false.

    The woman who drives from the no different that the man who cooks from the dining room table.

    Therapy is expensive. Poppin' bubble wrap is free !!

    There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

    This house is guarded by a shotgun three nights a week...You guess which three...!

    Time flies like an arrow, Fruit flys like a banana.

    To err is human, to forgive unlikely. Today is the start of a new error !Today was a total waste of make-up.

    24 hours in a day....24 beers in a case...coincidence?

    25% or men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave their house....99% of men kiss their house good-bye when they leave their wife !!

    We have a magic lawnmower. Whenever I take it out of the garage,the kid's disappear !!

    We have used cows for sale!(this was sent by a friend who saw this sign in a field while he was driving through Kentucky )

    What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?(I don't know...and I don't care !!)

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

    When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm sensational !

    When choosing between two evils,I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

    When I die,please bury me at least I know my wife will visit me there !!

    When in doubt...mumble.

    When the going gets tough....the tough use duct tape !!

    When there's a will...there's a lawsuit !

    When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray !

    Work smarder not harder and be careful of yor spelling.

    Would you like a bit of cheese with your whine

    You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter !!

    You don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep.

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    You may have a heart of gold...but so does a hard boiled egg.

    You will never find a lost article until it has been replaced
  2. thisaway


    Likes Received:
    Jan 11, 2000
    Soddy Daisy, Tenn.
    If ignorance is bliss, then you must be orgasmic! ;f