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Military Humor in Iraq

Discussion in 'The Okie Corral' started by DR. HOUSE, Feb 25, 2010.

  1. DR. HOUSE

    DR. HOUSE Everybody Lies

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    A friend in the service that was in iraq emailed this to me.



    You Know You've Been In Iraq Too Long If:

    Generally:
    · You start to think "its not so bad here".
    · You say "this place sort of grows on you".
    · You say, "it feels cooler today" and find out that the temperature
    is 110.
    · You call your tent (trailer if you're lucky) "Home".
    · You get excited at the idea of "ICE".
    · Apaches excite you much more than Blackhawk's or Kiowa's.

    Armaments:
    · You don't jump when a door slams or someone drops something.
    · You aren't alarmed when every second person you see has a gun or
    two or three.
    · You kick the M-16 on the floor aside without a second thought when
    you sit down in the Dining Facility.
    · A Glock 9MM on a lady's hip is considered sexy.
    · Mortars and Rockets are "Okay" compared to Vehicle bombs.
    · You can measure distances based on explosion sounds.
    · When a "Red Alert" sounds and you're leaving a DFAC, you would
    rather go back in and have more coffee instead of seeking shelter
    in a bunker.
    · You know the difference in sound between "Incoming " and
    "Outgoing".

    Entertainment:
    · You get excited at the prospect of seeing the latest gun camera
    videos.
    · $5.oo for a DVD is a little pricey..especially if there is only one
    movie.
    · If you are disappointed if you can't find a new movie a day after
    it is released in theatres stateside.
    · Sitting around with your coworkers talking about different ways to
    be killed is considered "Water Cooler Talk".



    Convoys:
    · You are soothed by the sounds of helicopters flying six feet over
    your trailer.
    · Bullet holes in the cab of your tractor is no longer alarming.
    · Tractor selections consist of "Up Armored or Not" not Volvo or
    Mercedes Benz.
    · Convoys consist of as many extra Hummers and large caliber weapons
    as the Convoy Commander can find.
    · Driving on the sidewalk is normal.
    · Hit-and-Run fender benders are treated as mere warnings.
    · You get upset that you don't get "C-130" Frequent Flyer Miles.
    · Your carry-on luggage includes a flack jacked and helmet.
    · Driving through the traffic circle of death has lost its thrill.

    Hygiene:
    · You enjoy waiting 45 minutes for the toilets to refill.
    · It's ok to brush your teeth with the brown water that comes out the
    faucets.
    · KBR buzz cuts begin to look stylish (Even on girls).
    · Flies don't even hang around the truck drivers.
    · You have your own roll of toilet paper stashed in your
    tent/truck/back pack.
    · A shower with water that is neither to cold to hot and contains no
    mosquitoes is a priceless unattainable luxury.

    Surroundings:
    · "Texas Barriers" are something other that a device to keep
    Texans out.
    · "Jersey Barriers" are something other that fences to keep Holsteins
    away from Jerseys.
    · You get excited with the presence of clouds in the sky.
    · The security guards are Ghurka or South African.

    Dining:
    · You look forward to Mohammad's Mango ice cream as the treat for
    the day.
    · Powdered eggs taste OK.
    · You consider plastic ware the Place China.
    · You can distinguish inherent qualities of various plastic utensils.
    · The quality of the plastic utensils becomes a hot dinner topic.
    · Lettuce for your salad is a luxury.
    · You have become to believe that ham should be grey in color.
    · No matter what animal you are eating, it will be flavored with
    curry.
    · Going to another mess hall is an adventure.
    · Putting Thousand Islands Dressing on you hamburger bun instead of
    mayo/mustard/catsup is normal.
    · You automatically pick up two plastic forks whenever beef is on the
    menu.
    · You accept the fact that fajitas do not require tortillas.
    · Sliced hot dogs on a pizza served in a KBR Defac is good eats.
    · If you can not decide if you are going to leave a brownie and some
    milk during a mortar attack.

    Fashion:
    · You think desert combat boots look great with shorts.
    · Sand between your thong sandals actually feels good.
    · You can recognize 12 different camouflage patterns.
    · You've given up on shoe polish.
    · T-shirts at the PX are: M, L, XL, XXL & KBR.

    Living Conditions:
    · You get a big smile when you see your pressed clothes at the KBR
    laundry.
    · You get a bigger smile knowing they didn't lose your laundry.
    · You get the biggest smile when you get back someone else's laundry
    and now you have more underwear than before.
    · You think the bullet holes in the roof of your trailer is just
    another form of ventilation.
    · You get upset because the post office won't ship your looted
    artifacts.
    · You haven't had water from anything other than a bottle for months
    on end.
    · You consider broken sandbags just a new beach expansion.
    · The idea of a double wide trailer is only for the very rich and
    powerful.
    · Forgetting you military ID makes you feel naked.but pants are
    optional.
    · "Only one rocket has hit the camp" is excellent news.
    · Cardboard board boxes have become substantial pieces of furniture.

    Communications:
    · Stars & Stripes seems to be a liberal newspaper.
    · It feels normal to have to run outside to make a cell phone call.
    · You call your coworkers as soon as new T-Shirt patterns arrive at
    the PX.
    · "Can you hear me" takes up 50% of your cellular telephone
    conversations.
    · Your conversations are sprinkled with "Roger that" and"Good
    copy."
     
  2. raven11

    raven11

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    been there:rofl::rofl:
     

  3. dewidmt

    dewidmt Gunaholic

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    · Going to another mess hall is an adventure

    Loading up your whole unit in the trucks to go eat at another camp is your fun for the weekend........
     
  4. ricky

    ricky Millennium Member

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    Holy moly,that brought back memories of Balad.
     
  5. Rakkasan

    Rakkasan

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    What about finding a mess hall on that lucky day they had Dr. Pepper. :supergrin: Those were the days.

    What about getting pi**ed you had to change a tire or two after an IED blasted your Humvee. Not really caring that you could have died. :supergrin:
     
  6. Isaiah1412

    Isaiah1412

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    When is a 9mm Glock on a lady's hip NOT sexy?
     
  7. Combatcomm

    Combatcomm

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    What a flash back!!
    I still cant eat anything with curry years later.
    I hate KBR and always will. They rob our country every chance they get. They don't care about the troops and will put them at risk if they can make a buck :steamed: but Im not bitter!
     
  8. 2740dmx

    2740dmx

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    Aaahhhhh,
    the good old days (2005).
    We could go on and on with this, but unless you were there... you probably don't give a hoot!

    To those that were (or currently are) there....

    Thanks!
     
  9. jilverthor

    jilverthor

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    :rofl::rofl:

    How can they forget Afirm/Afirmative?
     
  10. nothing

    nothing Advertisement

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    I can't believe how much Iraq has changed since 2005.

    *2005
    -Boil Bags
    -Lived on a Bridge
    -Lived in a bombed out building
    -Lived with the IP's
    -Lived in a tent
    -Lived in a connex (not a can)
    -finally lived in a can for one month before going home
    -PX Comes once a month, Finance comes the day after the PX leaves.
    -fun consisted of putting a thermite on the microwave that kept throwing the 30k Generator
    -Shooting 25mm at picnic benches on the side of tampa helped pass the time
    -never tied my boots, blowsed my pants and my sleeves were always cuffed
    -haji movies were 10 for $5.00 until civil affairs came to town and actually paid the asking price
    -Price negotiations with haji often consisted of 550 chord, 2 sandbags and a river
    -got to burn feces every morning at 0800
    -the smell of burning feces and jp8 while eating fried spam sandwiches doesn't make you sick
    -terrified of VBIED's and IED's consisting of 122mm and 152mm
    -it's not if you get hit, but when
    -Oh yeah, only two chicks on the FOB and even 18 months isn't long enough to make either of them look hot.

    *2009
    -live in a can with A/C, internet and cable
    -***** that the E bus takes too long to get to the PX
    -Can't decide which of the 5 DFACS, 2 taco bells, pizza hut, subway, burger king, italian resteraunt or turkish resturants I want to eat at.
    -The outdoor pool is closed for the season, but the indoor pool stays open until 0100
    -fun is the movie theater, 3 MWR's, USO, 2 PX's, 5 DFACS, 4 Gyms, racketball court, golf driving range, 2 swimming pools, 6 basketball courts, 1 football field, 3 soccer/softball fields, stadium, running track and salsa night at the pool.
    -Hot Airforce Chicks
    -Hot Army Chicks
    -Hot Navy Chicks
    -OK looking Marine chicks
    -Hot KBR Chicks
    -The warlock shop Chick
    -The RG33 chick
    -If the IED doesn't consist of a copper slug who cares, 8 south african 152mm's just scratch my paint.
    -DVD's cost $10
    -Don't threaten to throw haji in the canal while negotiating, he'll just push the blue rapeme button and the SP's will show up (POG assed *****es)
    -For the love of God don't forget to salute, shave, blouse your boots, fasten your sleeves or wear your battle sash (PT reflective belt with all uniforms after 1800) ((we could just stay out of the road, but whatever))
    -"haji don't surf" stenciled on the bumper of your MRAP or M1151 will get you an EO complaint from a POG civil engineer
    - You'll have to apologize in person to a POG O-7
    -It's funny because it's true, Haji really doesn't surf
    -The Air Force won't fix the power to your maintenance pad, they will condemn the buildings in your motorpool and make you nonmission capable, but wonder why their shipment of Silver ice cream cones are late.
    -Haji sucks the portapotties clean 6 times a day.
    -Don't piss off the CSM in Scania by not shaving or having your sleeves cuffed after being on the road 10 hours, getting hit with an EFP in route and having 3 KBR breakdowns before RP just to deliever40 empty tankers. He doesn't care.
    -It's fun to watch Air Force POGs dive under the tables in the hardened DFAC when the alarms sound.
    -The best way to avoid a traffic jam on the FOB is to leave work as soon as the mortar alarms go off.
    -Haji still can't shoot
    - I got 3 speeding tickets!
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2010
  11. the iceman

    the iceman Proud Veteran CLM

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    Just imagine the luxuries we had there in 2003! It blows my mind to hear of what is there now!
     
  12. eisman

    eisman ARGH! CLM

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    Way too much of that is way too true...





    (A GLOCK on a woman ment she was not in the Service, and could be hit on. Big difference.)
     
  13. Isaiah1412

    Isaiah1412

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    I kinda figured it had something to do with non-issue = open season.
     
  14. Carrys

    Carrys Inquisitive

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    God Bless our troops and hold them safe.


    Been there and done that. Any "hot zone" brings out the best in our troops.......if only to help them hold their selves together. Always been like that, always will.

    They suffer.

    They fight.

    They wait.

    They do their best.

    They hold it together.

    They wait some more.



    All to allow us the right to love them or "bash" them. Some who don't have a clue as to what they go through, and would shrivel up and cry themselves to death if placed among them.....scream the loudest about how horrible they are. And they forget all about the fact that what the soldiers do preserves that right. Forget.......or just don't want to admit. But whichever way a person feels about them, they are allowed to voice that opinion..........because the soldiers are there in the first place. That must really chap some folks' butt.


    Soldiers, Marines, Sailors, Air Force, and Coast Guard.........one either is there because they love this Country and want to be, or they couldn't get any other job and they thought they could skate through. The last few years have certainly separated the wheat from the chaff.


    Whatever we demand of them, they do. We are luck enough to have the Best Armed Forces in the world. Hope they don't get any further neutered by a terrible and appeasement (perhaps enemy doctrine complaisant) oriented administration.

    Thanks guys and gals!
     
  15. Lone_Wolfe

    Lone_Wolfe Sandbox Refugee CLM

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    That is not funny because it's all true.

    It's really not funny!

    I'm tellin' ya, it's not funny.....


    Then why am I :animlol: :animlol: :animlol: :animlol: :animlol:?


    Because it's freakin' hilarious!
     
  16. johnson8861

    johnson8861 Daddo Chomper

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    I remember when we got electricity in 2003, at Camp War Eagle. Boy that was great.
     
  17. Chad Landry

    Chad Landry Cajunator® CLM

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    A large percentage of that rings true, even for a civilian who only gets to see US Troops f2f at the Basra Airport. And we live in a (relatively) VERY nice house, compared to what other civilian contractors have to deal with.
     
  18. eyelikeglasses

    eyelikeglasses Hooah, Hooah.

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  19. Navy HMC

    Navy HMC

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    Amen Iceman, Amen! I-MEF '03 When laundry day menat 5 extra gallons of water, an intact MRE case and a trash bag. Not to menton looks of contempt you got at Doha AFTER you showed your O-6 signed trip ticket at the exchange (and wating 45 minutes in line to check out.