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"Men's Speech Patterns"

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Glockdude1, Nov 8, 2002.

  1. Glockdude1

    Glockdude1 Federal Member CLM

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    "Men's Speech Patterns"

    1. "I can't find it"
    MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am
    completely clueless.

    2. "That's women's work"
    MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

    3. "Will you marry me?"
    MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
    washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

    4. "It's a guy thing."
    MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
    you have no chance at all of making it logical.

    5. "Can I help with dinner?"
    MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

    6. "It would take too long to explain"
    MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

    7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
    MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

    8. "We're going to be late."
    MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

    9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
    MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

    10. "That's interesting dear."
    MEANS: Are you still talking?

    11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
    MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

    12. "You expect too much from me."
    MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

    13. "It's really a good movie."
    MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

    14. "You know how bad my memory is."
    MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the
    address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle
    identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
    your birthday.

    15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and
    was wearing a thong bikini.

    16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
    before I admit I'm hurt.

    17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
    MEANS: What did you catch me at?

    18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
    MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

    19. "I heard you."
    MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I
    can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three
    days yelling at me.

    20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
    MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could
    be worse.

    21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
    MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

    22. "I brought you a present."
    MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

    23. "I missed you."
    MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and
    we're out of toilet paper.

    24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
    MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

    25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
    MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

    26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
    MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
    help.

    ;N