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Memo from Santa:

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Nowhere Man, Dec 4, 2005.

  1. Nowhere Man

    Nowhere Man

    Likes Received:
    May 22, 2003
    North Port, FL
    > Memo from Santa:
    > I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve
    > Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
    > Tennessee,
    > Kentucky, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio or Alabama on Christmas Eve.
    > Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
    > renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
    > new and
    > better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
    > that
    > in mind.
    > However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
    > local
    > replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of
    > the
    > family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
    > the
    > good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
    > Differences such as:
    > 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
    > Claus.
    > He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
    > "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
    > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC
    > cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
    > smoke a
    > pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
    > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
    > of
    > reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
    > time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
    > fireplace.
    > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when
    > Bubba
    > Claus arrives.. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
    > Elliott
    > and Petty."
    > 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to
    > hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"
    > 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
    > Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
    > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
    > "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
    > Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
    > IV"
    > featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
    > crashing
    > into each other.
    > And Finally,
    > 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
    > wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
    > under
    > the tree.
    > Sincerely Yours,
    > Santa Claus