memo from santa claus

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side' started by Warblade, Dec 7, 2002.

  1. Warblade

    Warblade VTX1800R2

    Likes Received:
    Jul 29, 2000


    TO: ALL

    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
    serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
    Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
    Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
    was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As
    part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
    cookies so keep that in mind.

    However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
    local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
    side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
    toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
    between us.

    Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
    Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
    "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
    an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
    doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
    spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
    of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
    one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." When
    Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
    Elliott and Petty."

    5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
    likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
    a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
    and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
    area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
    Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol
    cars crashing into each other.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, your
    wife, and your kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
    under the tree.

    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus
    North Pole Affiliate # NP/SC0001